The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware
by Mizalaye
Summary: **Complete** A whirlwind + Galadriel + REALLY messed-up characters + three teenage girls + bizarre objects + even more cameos + song parodies + sugar highs + evil creations + disorientation + Enchanted Backpacks + Silverware = complete random insanity!!!
1. Black and White

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THE THREE WIELDERS OF THE ENCHANTED SILVERWARE

by Mizalaye

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Very Long Explanation for the Rework of this Fic: When I first wrote this fanfic, it actually had a plot. However, it was originally intended to be mostly random, due to the randomness of my mind. As the fic progressed, it became more and more serious, with less and less randomness thrown in. Finally, I decided that plot and randomness could not go into the same fic - it just didn't work! So, I scrapped the majority of the story. What you now are reading is the second version of the fic, now lacking the majority of its plot. Thank you.

Author's Note: The concept for this story was conceived by two mildly psycho fangirls at eleven o'clock at night after they saw The Fellowship of the Ring _for the fifth and ninth times, respectively, while said fangirls were on sugar. You have been warned._

Disclaimer: All characters except for Anne, Cammy, and Kathryn belong to Tolkien. I'm just stealing them for the purposes of this story. Also, Middle-Earth belongs to Tolkien, and the movie The Fellowship of the Ring_ belongs to New Line Cinema. The majority of this stuff is stolen and twisted to the shape of my own random mind without permission._

Note: Gypsy, I thank you. *bows* Your input is amazing....Munkustrap

Chapter One - Black and White

"May it be..." Anne sang softly

"No!" Kathryn clapped her hands firmly over her ears. "You are not getting that song stuck in my head!"

"What's wrong with 'May it Be'?" Cammy asked, defending the song.

"Nothing...I just don't want it stuck in my head," Kathryn replied firmly.

"Here we are!" Anne announced, deftly changing the subject, as she pulled her car into a parking space and switched off the engine.

The three girls practically flew out of the car and into the old dollar theatre - the only place in town still showing their favorite movie - _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring._

"You know what?" Cammy commented thoughtfully as the girls stepped into the ticket line, "I should make this the last time I see the movie. Then, I'll have seen it nine times!"

"Ooo..." Kathryn replied, feigning awe. Ignoring Cammy's teasing glare, she said, "I'll have seen it five times."

"Four for me," Anne replied. "And this'll probably be the last time I see it in the theatre." She sighed regretfully.

All regret vanished from her face, however, when she stepped up to the ticket counter. "One for _Lord of the Rings_!" she announced.

The girls trooped down the hallway, chattering contentedly about the movie.

Just then, a tall figure draped completely in a black robe swept past them. As it did, the figure's face turned towards them, as if it stared at them from the depths of its inky hood.

All three girls shuddered as a chill raced down their spines, averted their eyes, and hurried in to choose their seats. Silence enveloped them for a long moment as they sat stock-still, trembling ever so slightly.

Finally, Cammy regained her composure and remarked, "That guy was really creeping me out! The way he looked at us was just...ugh!" She shuddered dramatically.

Silence descended upon the trio as each of them shuddered once more with the memory of that black-robed figure.

Finally, a hint of a smile touched Kathryn's mouth. "What kind of crazy would come to _Lord of the Rings_ dressed like a Ringwraith?"

"A complete Tolkien nut?" Anne asked rhetorically.

"The movie's been out six months, though," Cammy put in. "You'd think that even the nuts would get sick of dressing up after that long!"

"Besides, he hasn't come in here yet..." Kathryn let the thought trail off.

Once again changing the subject, this time to keep herself from freaking out, Anne said, "We need to remember to listen for that one line in Danish."

"Yeah!" Cammy seconded, eagerly following the topic shift. "I really want to hear that. And you two need to watch Frodo during the 'Right...where are we going?' line. He looks highly amused."

"I am going to see the car this time," Kathryn vowed. "I have seen this movie four times, and I have still not seen the freakin' car!"

Cammy, the only one who actually had seen the car, just laughed. "Kat, you keep saying that..."

Just then, the lights dimmed. Anne jumped slightly and scanned the room. "Girls," she whispered, "we're the only ones here!"

Sure enough, the theatre was empty, save for the three friends. "That's really weird," Cammy said, her voice low.

Kathryn shrugged this off. "You know what that means, don't you? That means we can make all the comments we want, as loudly as we want, and nobody will care!"

"True..." Cammy was clearly hesitant.

"Besides, the movie has been out for over six months now. It's to be expected that there's nobody here." Anne sounded suspiciously as if she was attempting to convince herself.

Just then, however, the screen darkened after the final preview, Galadriel's familiar voice began the prologue, and the girls reverted to their overly-hyper state, commonly dubbed "_Lord of the Rings_ Hyperactivity Syndrome."

True to Kathryn's earlier comment, the three girls took full advantage of the empty theatre to voice their usually whispered comments aloud. They hummed aloud with the theme music, oo-ed and ah-ed at Frodo's wonderfully blue eyes, aw-ed at Sam's "I'll be the furthest from home I've ever been" speech, poked each other when Merry and Pippin appeared, and generally laughed their way through the entire first section of the film.

Anne poked both of the others when the hobbits sat down at the Inn of the Prancing Pony. Cammy and Kathryn rolled their eyes, realizing that the appearance of Anne's favorite character, Aragorn, was imminent. 

On the screen, Sam said, "That man's done nothing but stare at you since we've arrived." 

Anne sat up a bit straighter. The other two girls giggled. The camera prepared to switch angles.

The screen went completely dark.

"What?!?!" Anne yelled. "They can't do that to me!"

"Ok...that's really bogus," Cammy added.

Silence rushed in to fill the void left behind by the disappearance of the movie. A long pause followed, during which all three girls stared hopefully at the screen, willing the movie to restart.

Without warning, a crash echoed from behind the girls. As if with one mind, all three leaped from their seats and ran back to the small window in the back wall that opened into the projection room.

Three small screams flew through the air.

A whirlwind spun violently inside the projection room. Bits of equipment and movie reels whirled around in circles, glancing off the walls and colliding heavily with each other.

And, in the very center of the whirlwind, yet untouched by its fury, stood the black-robed figure the girls had seen earlier!

Considering their position, the three girls reacted fairly well to this mind-boggling sight. Anne remained frozen, eyes unblinking, as if she had been turned to stone; Cammy began hyperventilating; and Kathryn worked her senseless lips soundlessly.

Suddenly, the black-robed figure turned its hood in their direction. Instinctively, all three girls ducked below the window, putting themselves out of the eerie creature's sight. For a long moment, the three girls crouched side by side, breathing heavily.

As abruptly as it had begun, the noise stopped, drenching the theatre in total silence.

Slowly, hesitantly, the three girls peeked over the edge of the window once more. Complete disaster met their eyes.

The movie now lay in ripped pieces all over the projection room floor, mixed with pieces torn from other movies and components from the projection equipment.

The black-robed figure was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh...." Cammy whispered.

Without warning, white, pulsing light flooded the movie theatre, forcing all three girls to close their eyes against its penetrating force. When their eyes adjusted enough that they would open, the girls saw that someone else now occupied the projection room. The newcomer was tall and decidedly beautiful, with long blonde hair that waved down her back like a waterfall, piercing blue eyes, and subtly pointed ears.

The girls said the first thing that came to each of their minds in precise unison. "Aaa!"

The woman did not react to the scream at all. Critically, she examined the ruins inside the room, now and again picking up a bit of film to get a closer look.

The girls exchanged shocked looks, but none of them could voice what they felt.

Suddenly, another blast of white, pulsing light caused the girls to cover their eyes. This time, when they peered back into the projection room, they saw that the strange woman now held an intact reel of film!

Before the girls could cheer with joy, however, they noticed the pieces of film that still littered the floor, as well as the grave look on the woman's face. For the first time, the strange woman looked up from her work and met the eyes of the three teenagers.

"Greetings, inhabitants of another world." It sounded as if the window between them was open, so clear were the woman's words. "I fear a great evil has befallen you, as well as those in my world. I now require your help to right this horrible evil."

All three girls fainted dead away.

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Author's Note: Thanks for reading! The randomness begins in the next chapter, don't worry!


	2. The So-Called Gifts of Galadriel

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THE THREE WIELDERS OF THE ENCHANTED SILVERWARE

By Mizalaye

Chapter Two: The So-Called "Gifts" of Galadriel

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Author's Note: The names of the three "weapons" do have some significance. Can you figure it out???

"Awaken! Middle Earth is in need of you, warriors!"

Somehow, these words did not evoke the expected response in the groggy, twenty-first century teenager. Rather than cause her to leap to her feet, instantly awake, the words caused her to begin wondering exactly what her popcorn had been spiked with. Slowly, as if through a cloud, Cammy fought her way back to consciousness. 

When her eyes opened and took in the scene around her, she nearly fainted again.

She lay on a floor of what appeared to be marble, though it glowed from within like no marble she had ever seen. The smooth floor spread out in all directions, until, at the far edge of her vision, it met the watery-looking expanse that stretched above her head.

"It's like being inside a glow-in-the dark fishbowl." As usual, it was Kathryn's voice that rang out first.

Not daring to move her stiff body, Cammy merely rolled her head to one side. To her immense relief, Kathryn lay a few feet to her left, seemingly unscathed. "Kat, I'm glad you're with me."

Kathryn grinned, instantly recognizing the quote.*

"What about me?" a familiar voice protested good-naturedly. Anne lay several feet to Cammy's right. "Well?" she asked. "Aren't you glad I'm here, too?"

A voice interrupted the girls' response - a voice that seemed both hauntingly familiar and decidedly alien. "Welcome, warriors, to the Mirror," it said.

All three girls sat up instantly, startled by the abrupt appearance of the figure who had spoken - the same white-robed woman who had startled them in the movie theatre.

"I have got to be hallucinating," Kathryn stated firmly.

"I think somebody spiked our popcorn," Cammy informed her.

Anne's eyes remained fixed on the figure before her. "Who are you, and what is this 'Mirror'?"

The white-garbed woman cocked her head slightly, clearly confused. "You are each familiar with Middle Earth, and yet you do not recognize me? I am Galadriel, Lady of Lothlórien. The Mirror is this place where you now are. It is my Mirror, through which I see many mysterious things."

"We are in Galadriel's mirror?" Cammy repeated, disbelieving, under her breath.

"The time for questions and doubts has passed," Galadriel continued. "The three of you who sit before me have been appointed a great task. As you saw in your own world, some being of evil attempted to destroy the movie _The Fellowship of the Ring._ I managed to repair much of the damage, but much that once was has been lost. The movie is no longer pure; many other movies have now been mixed with it. None of the inhabitants remain wholly intact, save me. Four of Middle Earth's greatest heroes - Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Legolas Greenleaf, Gimli, son of Glóin, and Arwen Evenstar - have completely vanished."

"That basically scraps the movie!" Kathryn exclaimed.

"Yet, hope remains." Galadriel went on as if she had not been interrupted. "You three who sit before me must take their place and take up their quest - to escort the Ringbearer to the land of Mordor. Your quest is made even more perilous, because those who accompany you are not themselves. They have all been mixed with other beings and warped into someone else. Even Middle Earth itself has been changed into Middle Aerth!"

"Wait just a second!" Anne broke in. "You keep saying that we _must_ do these things. Don't we get a choice?"

Galadriel looked away for a moment. "You three were chosen for this task. I fear I lack the strength to return you to your world, even if you were to reject your quest."

"If one of the most powerful elves in Middle Earth can't send us home, how are we supposed to get home at all?" Panic rose in Kathryn's mind even as she asked this.

"There is only one way for you to return," Galadriel replied calmly. "You must complete the task set before you and thwart the plans of the one who has destroyed the movie."

"And if we can't?" Kathryn insisted.

Anne cut off both Galadriel's reply and the end of Kathryn's question. "I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong three people. The three of us are a lot of things, but we certainly are not warriors!" Cammy and Kathryn vigorously nodded their agreement with this statement.

"The strength of a warrior is not found in his skill at arms; it is found in his heart." Galadriel gave each girl a soul-piercing look. "...or her heart."

The three girls, moving with one mind, stood and formed a huddle several feet away from the elf.

"This is insane!" Cammy exclaimed immediately.

"I think we should do it," Kathryn told her.

"I take it back - you're insane," Cammy amended.

"Hang on," Anne broke in. "Galadriel said that she can't send us back home, but she also said we could get home if we make it through the whole movie."

"But, how are we supposed to get through this entire movie when half the characters are missing and the other half are messed up? And how does Galadriel know about movies and stuff, anyways?" Cammy asked.

"Galadriel knows everything," Kathryn replied. "But I see your point about the characters."

"Look, if we play along with this so-called 'quest,' we'll be heading right for our only chance at getting home!" Anne's eyes were alight with newfound enthusiasm.

"We could always just find a pair of ruby slippers," Kathryn commented, attempting to lighten the mood. The other two simply glared at her. "Never mind, then."

"I say we go for it," said Anne. "After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?"

"We could be killed by Uruk-hai, turned into wraiths, thrown into the abyss with the Balrog..." Kathryn listed helpfully.

"Let's vote." Anne cut Kathryn's list off before it got any scarier. "I'm in."

"I already told you I'm in, too," Kathryn replied.

Cammy's eyes flitted from one to the other, as her heart debated with itself. Finally she sighed. "Well, I certainly can't let the two of you go off on an adventure and leave me here, now can I?" A smirk creasing her face, she extended her arm, fist clenched as if it held a sword. "All for one..."

"...and one for all!" Anne and Kathryn replied in unison, crossing their invisible blades with Cammy's in a replica of the famous pose of the Three Musketeers.

As one, the three girls turned to face Galadriel.

"What must we do?" Kathryn asked, deftly quoting the movie.**

Galadriel smiled graciously at them. "Your task shall not be a simple one."

"Of course not," Cammy muttered under her breath. "That'd be too easy."

Galadriel continued, oblivious to the comment. "I cannot foresee everything that will happen to you, as the course of the movie has been interrupted. However, you should expect to face many of the challenges contained within the movie."

"My lady," Anne asked, "how are we to triumph over those challenges that test our skills in battle, as we have never been trained as warriors?"

Shock slackened Cammy's jaw. "She's starting to talk like a Middle-Earther!" she exclaimed thoughtfully. Then, even softer, "Is 'Middle-Earther' even a word?"

Galadriel's sharp ears did not seem to pick up the question. "I shall gift you with weapons that shall transform you into as much a warrior in arms as you are a warrior of heart." She raised a warning finger. "Beware, for, if your heart becomes weak, your skills shall also weaken. Now, come." Galadriel stepped into a copse of trees, which seemed very out of place inside a mirror, and seemingly vanished.

One by one, Anne, Kathryn, and Cammy drove down the sudden rush of terror that threatened to consume them, dragged all their courage to the fore, and strode into the trees.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Within a copse of trees, inside Galadriel's Mirror, three teenaged girls stood shoulder to shoulder. Iron determination evidenced itself in the ramrod-straight posture of three sets of shoulders, while nervousness flickered in three pairs of rapidly roving eyes. Three pairs of feet were planted solidly on the marble floor in a show of courage, yet three sets of hands fidgeted in a show of fear.

Galadriel, Lady of Lothlórien, observed the three living paradoxes for a long moment before she spoke. "Let the one known as Anne step forward."

Anne obeyed, lifting her chin stubbornly as she did, as if she dared the world to deny her claim.

Galadriel stepped toward the girl, leather armor in her hands. Anne had no sensation of her clothing being changed; one moment, she stood in a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers, and the next, she was clothed in the armor, complete with gauntlets and a long, black cloak.

"The name of Anne you leave behind you," Galadriel stated. "I dub thee Anagorn, daughter of Anathorn, called Strider. Also, I gift you with this precious weapon - the knife Lisran. May it serve you well."

Red-hot disappointment coursed through Anne's veins as she gazed down at the object in her hand. When Galadriel spoke of enchanted weapons, she had expected a long, gleaming sword, at least!

Behind her, Kathryn and Cammy wore identical half-shocked, half-disdainful expressions. "It's a...it's a...it's a butter knife!" one of them whispered.

Sure enough, the weapon in Anne's right hand was a gleaming, rune-covered butter knife. Lowering the so-called "weapon," Anne found a tiny sheath at her side. With a bitter sigh of despair, she sheathed Lisran.

"She called Kathryn, step forward."

Kathryn did so and, moments later, found herself clothed as an elf - loose clothing meant for camouflage, not protection. Leather guards decorated her forearms, and soft boots encased her feet.

Galadriel announced, "I remove your old name from you. From this day until your quest has been completed, you shall be known as Katholas. As a weapon, I gift to you Darkrím."

Though she was expecting something very un-weapon-like after seeing Anne's gift, Kathryn very nearly laughed aloud when she saw her "weapon," which was also engraved with elegant runes. "A spoon!" she muttered. "I might as well be an S.B.!" ***

Despite her reputedly sensitive elfin ears, Galadriel seemed not to hear the comment. However, Cammy did, and the human girl giggled so loudly that she nearly missed Galadriel's command for her to step forward.

Cammy's giggles vanished when she felt chain mail suddenly encasing her. A metal helm now sat upon her head, and she felt suddenly confined and heavy.

"Your name I now strip from you, 'til you reclaim it at your journey's end," Galadriel said. "I christen thee Camli, and gift thee Exaria."

Before the "weapon" was placed into her hand, Cammy guessed its identity. True to her supposition, a rune-encrusted fork was given to her.

"My lady, how are we to do battle with merely silverware as our attack?" Kathryn asked, slipping unknowingly into formal wording.

"These weapons seem strange and weak only to those who look merely at appearances," Galadriel replied, a soft rebuke in her voice. "If your heart and will are strong, armies shall fall at their touch."

"I have one more gift for each of you," Galadriel went on. From behind her, she produced three small backpacks. Anne received a green pack, Kathryn a purple one, and Cammy a red one. "These Enchanted Backpacks should also ease your trip, as they hold many useful items."

Then, stepping back two paces, Galadriel spread her arms and, looking directly at the girls who stood shoulder to shoulder once more, she cried, "I dub thee the Three Huntresses! Have heart and hope, and depart from this place as warriors of Middle Aerth!" On the final word, she clapped her hands together.

The glowing white that infused the Mirror began to pulse, enveloping each of the girls in a blanket of pure white and clouding all senses.

When the white pulse faded from her eyes, Anne - now Anagorn - found herself seated in a corner of what appeared to be some sort of tavern.

A familiar, slightly Scottish voice reached her ears. "Baggins? Sure, I know a Baggins! I know lots of Bagginses! Lots and lots of Bagginses!"

Comprehension slapped Anagorn across the face. Touching the black hood that now obscured her face, she realized, _I am Strider, and I am in the Prancing Pony!_

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* In case you don't, the original quote is, "Sam, I'm glad you're with me," and Frodo says it at the very end of the movie.

**This quote is originally "What must I do?" and Frodo says it to Gandalf, right after he decides to take the ring from the Shire.

*** S.B. is an abbreviation for Sackville-Baggins. The comment refers to the gift Bilbo left for Lobelia Sackville-Baggins which was given to her when Frodo sold Bag End (in the book).

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Author's Note: Thank you to littlefish for giving me this idea...Unless my number of reviews gets to high that this becomes impossible (Which only happens in my dreams, I'm afraid!), I will try to write a quick note back to everybody who reviews my story! (Hey, whatever works, right?) So, please review!

SapphireRose - Here's your update. And, you're right...this is going to be zany! 

Noel - Thanks so much for the review! (and the encouraging comments =o) )

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	3. The Randomness Begins

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THE THREE WIELDERS OF THE ENCHANTED SILVERWARE

by Mizalaye

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Note: A further disclaimer will follow this chapter...I don't want to give anything away!!! 

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Chapter Three: The Randomness Begins

"This was once the great watchtower of Amon Sûl."

For about the thirtieth time since her journey began - not ten minutes ago, Anagorn had cause to be grateful that she had seen the movie so many times - it helped conversations immensely when she already knew all of Aragorn's lines. 

"Amon Sûl," Merry repeated. "That sounds…ominous!"

"That is a real big hill. It would be awful fun to roll down that hill, don't you think, Merry? I think we should roll down that hill!" Pippin chattered away happily, seemingly oblivious to the rest of the group.

"It would not be fun, Pippin!" Sam leveled a fierce glare at the younger hobbit.

"Do my eyes look red to you, Strider?" Frodo asked anxiously. "I think I'm coming down with something nasty – my eyes itch."

Also for the thirtieth time within the past ten minutes, Anagorn rolled her eyes in exasperation. Between the rapid popping from one place to another as the movie changed shots and the warped characters that had replaced her lovable hobbits, she was getting a nasty headache. This was the sixteenth time that hypochondriac Frodo had asked her if something looked wrong, the sixth time Sam had snapped at somebody, the eighteenth time Merry had acted paranoid, and the fifty-second time Pippin had chattered wildly. Clearly, the youngest hobbit in the group was on a permanent sugar high!

Suddenly, the scene changed yet again, and Anagorn found herself inexplicably on Weathertop, tossing the hobbits their swords. Too exasperated and annoyed to attempt to figure out what had happened to the thirty seconds or so of scene that belonged before this, Anagorn simply played along.

Just before the shot changed once more, Anagorn glanced at the four hobbits. If the sight had not been so pathetically sad, it would have been hysterically funny. Frodo was using the blade of his weapon as a mirror and inspecting his pupils, Sam was glaring at his sword moodily, Merry had backed away from the "sharp, pointy thing," and now cowered against the wall, and Pippin was bouncing about the plateau, waving his sword around in figures and fighting his shadow.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

"Poor Anne," Cammy said softly. "She's got to be getting really ticked off at those poor hobbits."

"She looks like she's getting a headache," Kathryn observed.

The two girls sat cross-legged in the center of the Mirror, eyes glued to – of all things – a small TV set that had replaced the grove of trees during the last burst of white light. On the screen, Anagorn was tossing the hobbits their blades.

Suddenly, the shot shifted once more to Frodo's sleeping form.

"Do either of you have any Tylenol?"

Both Kathryn and Cammy jumped at the voice just behind them. "Anagorn!"

"Whoa…how did I get back to the Mirror?" Anagorn asked, noticing where she was for the first time.

"Wait a second…I've got it!" Kathryn exclaimed. "The Mirror must be like our backstage! If we aren't in a particular scene, we wait it out here!"

"That does make sense," Cammy agreed after a moment. "Or, at least, it makes as much sense as anything else in this Middle Aerth!"

"So, have you two been watching me on that thing?" Anagorn asked, nodding at the TV.

"Yup," Cammy replied. "We were wondering how you were holding out with those hobbits."

"Not so good," Anagorn replied. "Like I said, I need some Tylenol."

"Why don't you try the Backpack?" Kathryn suggested. "Galadriel said they would hold many useful things. What can be more useful than Tylenol?"

"Not a bad idea."

Before Anagorn could so much as reach for the Backpack, she vanished.

"Oh, dear." Cammy turned her gaze back to the screen, where she saw the Ringwraiths advancing toward the hobbits.

Holding…feathers?

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

"Oh, boy."

Without any warning, Anagorn found herself back on Weathertop – this time, facing a horde of angry Ringwraiths!

"Well," she told herself. "At least they don't have swords. All they can do with those giant feathers is tickle me to…death!" She swallowed convulsively.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

In the Mirror, Kathryn whispered, "Try the Backpack, Anagorn!"

Cammy joined her friend. "C'mon, Anagorn – look in the Backpack!"

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

A single phrase ran through Anagorn's mind even as she panicked. _Use the Enchanted Backpack._

Faced with few other options, Anagorn slid one strap from her shoulder and began rooting through the Backpack. Her hand brushed something metallic, and she triumphantly pulled out…

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

"A can of spray paint?" Cammy asked incredulously. "What good will that do?"

Kathryn sighed. "It appears our Backpacks are as faulty as the rest of the movie."

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Anagorn ripped the top from the can of spray paint. Acting purely on instinct, she aimed for the nearest hood and pressed down on the nozzle.

A white, misty cloud spread obligingly from the can – and completely missed the Ringwraith's face, or, at least, where the Ringwraith's face would be if it had a face.

However, the white paint did mark a large white stain down the front of the Ringwraith's cloak.

"Aaaaaa!" With a scream, the wraith flung itself off the cliff.

"Ringwraiths are neat freaks?" Anagorn muttered disbelievingly under her breath. "Who'd have thought it?"

With a sudden burst of ecstatic energy and a mischievous grin, Anagorn began to draw designs on each Ringwraith's robe – her initials, a cross, a heart. One by one, the wraiths fled from the noxious fumes and the staining power of white paint. The last wraith screamed terrifyingly as it fell - a giant smiley face painted onto its black robe.

Even as she ran across the plateau to help the mysteriously stabbed Frodo, a grin creased Anagorn's features. This had turned out to be far easier than she had originally thought!

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*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

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Anagorn breathed a sigh of relief when she laid Frodo onto the ground. _I'd never have thought a hobbit could be so heavy!_ Quickly, she forced her mind back to the task at hand.

"Sam, do you know the _athelas_ plant?"

"No," Sam grunted.

"Kingsfoil?"

"It's a weed." Sam's tone clearly labeled Anagorn a total idiot.

Unable to recall the exact line, Anagorn replied simply, "See if you can find some. It will help to slow the poison."

It took only moments to locate the small, familiar-looking plants. She stooped to gather them and steeled her body for what she knew was coming.

"What's this; a Ranger caught off her guard?"

A nearly unnoticeable glint of confusion flickered into Anagorn's eyes. Not only did the voice sound familiar - though it was clearly not Arwen's - but the weapon beneath her chin was decidedly not a sword. Carefully, she turned her face and looked up into the eyes of...

"**Tom Cruise**?"

"You were expecting Liv Tyler?" Tom Cruise asked calmly, sliding his gun back into its holster.

"Well...I...that is...how...?" Anagorn stammered.

With a charming smile, Cruise asked, "Why not? After all, this is the most impossible mission anybody could come up with!" With that, he strode off toward the hobbits, leaving an extremely shocked Anagorn to follow.

"Hey, Frodo! Let's get you outta' here!" he said jovially.

Still in a great deal of shock, Anagorn helped hoist Frodo onto Tom Cruise's black horse. "Uhm...ride hard," she whispered.

Despite the darkness, Cruise slipped on a pair of sunglasses and replied, "I always do!" Without another word, he urged his horse to a gallop.

"What are you doing? Those wraiths are still out there!"

Anagorn did not reply. She stood as still as stone, staring into the blackness that had just enveloped the two on horseback. _Tom Cruise?_ she thought incredulously. _Of all the people in the world, how did Tom Cruise end up in Middle Earth?_

Suddenly, music began to sound in the forest. Anagorn looked around, but all she could see was shadows dancing in the forest. Still, the music grew in volume until she could no longer pretend she did not hear it.

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The Mission: Impossible theme?!? 

Sure enough..._Da. Da. Da-da Da. Da. Da-da Da. Da. Da-da Da. Da. Da-dum..._

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Disclaimer: (See? I told you it would be down here!) Tom Cruise does not belong to me (duh!). He appears in this story without permission from him, his agent, or any of his "people." I used him because he was the best person for the job, in my humble opinion.

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To My Readers (if I have any...):Please, please, PLEASE review!!! Especially if you liked your little trip into my random mind!!! (and even if you didn't like it...I need to know that somebody besides SapphireRose is actually reading this thing!) I promise that if you review, I will write you a little note! (How's that for ineffective bribery?) Ok, just review to make me feel better about myself, ok? Thank you. =o)

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	4. A Battle, a Monkey Wrench, Two Backpacks...

**THE THREE WIELDERS OF THE ENCHANTED SILVERWARE**

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**by Mizalaye**

_Author's Note__: I must give all of you a HUGE apology.  I have been neglecting this story…badly!  (If you want to see what I've been working on, check out my other fics!!! (shameless plug…sorry again))  Please forgive me, and review this story!!!! (please???)  I hope this chapter is worth the wait for you!_

_Extra Note__: Kudos to **Figure** for sharp eyes in this chapter!  *blushes*  I missed an "s."  Thank you for noticing!_

**Chapter Four: A Battle, a Monkey Wrench, Two Backpacks (and a Rabbit)**

Inside Galadriel's Mirror, three teenaged girls sat side by side.  All six eyes were fixed on a small TV set.  On the screen, Gandalf said, "I was…delayed."

"Now we get to find out just how twisted Gandalf's personality is," Anagorn said bitterly.

"Oh, cheer up," Katholas said.  "Maybe he survived intact."

"Or maybe not," Camli responded, pointing to the screen.

Gandalf slowly stood to his feet on the roof of Orthanc.  "Where's my laptop?" he muttered.

"Gandalf has a laptop?" Camli echoed.

"How am I supposed to get down from here without my equipment?" Gandalf asked himself.  Suddenly, he reached into a large pocket on his robe and pulled out…a small laptop!  "A-ha!"  Then, of course, it began to rain.  Quickly, Gandalf scurried into a corner and hunched over his computer, protecting it from the rain.  Then, he began to type.

Suddenly, Saruman appeared on the rooftop.  "We mutht join Thauron, Gandalf," he lisped.

Utter silence snapped onto the Mirror.  Three jaws dropped in shock.

"There ith no other way," Saruman added.

Simultaneously, the three girls watching from the mirror recovered from their shock – and dissolved into helpless laughter.

"I-I-I'm Tharoman!" Katholas cried through her giggles.  

"I am the white withard of Ithenguard!" added Anagorn, imitating Saruman's lisp perfectly.

"Uhm… girls?" Camli said, suddenly laughing even harder than before.  "You might…want to…see this."

Rather than using his staff to fling Gandalf around the roof, Saruman had whipped out a small, and predictably white, laptop of his own.

"I can out-program you!" Gandalf cried.

"Not while I hold the power of the white laptop!" Saruman cried in return.

In exact unison, the two wizards-turned-computer-geeks began typing furiously.

"Ha!" Gandalf said.  "I've blocked your access to all of Orthanc's computers!"

"Ha yourthelf," Saruman retorted.  "I've jutht re-ethtablished contact with my thervers!"

"Double ha!"  Gandalf was quick to respond.  "I've re-programmed the weather so it's stopped raining!"

Sure enough, no rain now fell against the roof.

"And," Gandalf went on, "I've told all your orcs to stop ripping up the trees!"

Another moment of furious typing and counter-typing followed.

"Triple ha!"  To the girl's dismay, it was Saruman who spoke.  "My orcth are back to their jobth, the rain ith coming back, and…"  He waited, seeming to enjoy the suspense.  "…I've jutht fixed fanfiction-dot-net's hardware problemth!  I have won, Gandalf."

Gandalf typed a few more commands into his laptop, then stood and replaced the computer in its pocket.  "There is only one Lord of the Ring, Saruman.  And he does not share **passwords**!"  With that, the gray wizard ran and leapt off the roof's edge, landing easily on the back of the eagle he had just summoned via email.

"Tho," Saruman intoned, "you have chothen…death."

The scene changed yet again.

"Gandalf?" Frodo asked.

"Look at his staff!" Katholas exclaimed.

Rather than his usual wooden staff, Gandalf now held a thin, gray pole capped with an oblong…something.  The three girls studied the top of the staff for several moments.  Its identity occurred to them all at the same moment.

_"It's a computer mouse!"_

"Well, it fits," Anagorn muttered.

Just then, a voice floated over from the TV set.  "Mista' Frodo!  Mista' Frodo!"

"That doesn't sound like Sam…" Anagorn muttered.

Six eyes returned to the screen.

"That doesn't look like Sam," Katholas added.

"Well, then, Miss Sherlock Holmes, deductive logic would dictate that that isn't Sam!  Duh!" Camli said with no little bit of sarcasm.

She was promptly smacked – from both sides.

"Cheeze it, Frodo!  You'se awake!"  said Not-Sam in a thick New York accent.

Elrond cleared up all mystery once and for all.  "Racetrack has hardly left your side."

"I was dat worried 'bout ya, Frodo!" Racetrack exclaimed.  "'Sides, we was takin' bets on when you was finally gonna wake up.  I won, too!"

"What is Racetrack doing in Middle Aerth?" Katholas asked rhetorically.

"Probably the same thing Tom Cruise is," Anagorn replied.  "Throwing a monkey wrench into the story."

On the screen, Racetrack flung a monkey wrench over the edge of the balcony.

The three girls blinked in shock.

"Help," Katholas muttered.

Then, Elrond appeared on the screen.  "Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Ins."

Frodo and Gandalf both shot Elrond very confused looks.  So did the three girls on the other side of the screen.

"Well, we certainly can't call you Baggins, since you haven't got a bag," Elrond explained, humor twinkling in his eyes.  "Get it?"

Frodo shook his head.

Elrond sighed.

Anagorn, Katholas, and Camli smacked their foreheads with their palms.

"He's a comedian," Anagorn muttered in disgust.

"A bad comedian," Camli added.

"Well, it could be worse," Katholas said.

"How?" Camli asked.

Katholas smiled.  "He could have been in the Fellowship.  Now, at least, we only have to endure it during the Council."

The shot changed yet again – to Frodo and Sam out on the balcony of Rivendell.

"Well…" Anagorn commented, "We have a while 'til our next scene.  Any bright ideas on how to kill time?"

Silence reigned in the Mirror.

"These Enchanted Backpacks seem about as messed up as the rest of this movie," Camli said thoughtfully.  "I wonder what else we could pull out of there?"

"Let's try it!" Katholas exclaimed.

"But what if we pull out something we'll need later?" Anagorn asked worriedly.

"Anne," Camli put in, "the Backpacks don't work.  Let's just have some fun before we die, ok?"

"DIE?" Anagorn exclaimed.  "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank -" 

Before Anagorn could say another word in protest, Katholas stuck her hand into her purple Backpack.  "Here we go," she said.  A moment later, she pulled out a large, rolled sheet of paper.

Camli and Anagorn shot each other raised-eyebrow glances.

Katholas unrolled the paper.  "It's a map…I think."

"Lemme see," Anagorn said, having shoved the worries about dying to the back of her mind.

Camli and Anagorn shoved in behind Katholas and examined the map closely.  The picture consisted of one huge country, one smaller country, and a lot of very tiny countries, all surrounded by blue.  The huge country, which had been colored red, bore the picture of a well-dressed man.  The smaller country beside it, which was green, held the tiny picture of a poor, naked man.

"Uhm…" Katholas looked quite scared.

Suddenly, Anagorn began to laugh.  "Don't you two see?"

Both of the other girls shook their heads, quite confused.

By this time, however, Anagorn was laughing so hard that she couldn't force the words from her mouth.

A moment later, Katholas and Camli looked back up from the map.  "It's the classroom map from The King and I!" they shouted in unison.  Both dissolved into laughter themselves.

"My turn!" Camli declared when she could breathe again.  With a mischievous grin that looked as if it belonged to a hobbit, she plunged one hand into her red Backpack and drew out a white rabbit.

"I thought those always came out of hats," Anagorn commented.

"I was running late, and this was as close as I could get," the rabbit replied tartly.  "Good day."  With that, the rabbit ran from the Mirror – though none of the girls could figure out how, as the Mirror had no exits.

"Uhm…girls?" Katholas had turned her face back to the screen.

The scene changed.

_Again, a disclaimer__:  First of all, I do not own Sherlock Holmes.  I don't actually know who does, either… I, again, do not own Tom Cruise.   I also do not own Racetrack, nor do I own the movie Newsies, which is where Racetrack is from.  Disney owns both of them.  I also do not own Rodger and Hammerstein's The King and I.  I just enjoy using their props.  The white rabbit, the laptops, Gandalf's staff, the monkey wrench, and all other totally random moments are mine.  Don't steal them, please!!!  Thank you._

_(I don't remember who I've written notes to in the past…so I'm just writing to everybody who's reviewed so far!) =o)_

_Lady Eowyn – Actually, I am not a penguin myself.  However, I would encourage you to keep reading, as randomness that is put into reviews has an interesting habit of ending up IN the story…..=o)_

_Celewen Silverstar – Thank you for reviewing!  I hope you like this installment!_

_Hobbit_Fancier-Kare – Thanks for the review…here's your update._

_Annungwathiel – Thank you soooo much for reviewing.  I hope this chapter meets your expectations._

_What's up? – Are you and Lady Eowyn really the same person, or do you just have the same bizarre fixation with penguins?  Just wondering…  As for your questions, I will answer a couple of them.  Camli is going to be saying, "somebody spiked the popcorn" a lot.  It's funny now.  You're going to have to watch for Tom Cruise! =o)  And, I can't answer the silverware question without giving away part of this nearly-nonexistent plot.  Sorry=o)_

_SapphireRose – Once more, thank you for your faithful – and amusing - reviews.  Aqui es mas. *grins* =o)_


	5. Problemos?

**The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware**

**by Mizalaye**

_Author's Apology__: I know it's taken me **forever** to post this chapter.  I am really sorry!!!  My motivation fled from me…and it's taken me a couple of months to get it back.  Thank you for your patience with me…I shall attempt to do better in the future.  My original hope was to have this entire story up by the time Two Towers came out.  I would still like to do that…so, hopefully, chapters will come much more quickly now.  Thank you for your patience!_

_Dedication__ – I would like to dedicate this chapter to **Noel**, who ever so graciously transcribed the entirety of the Council for me, since I didn't have access to the movie.  Thank you!!!_

**Chapter Five: Problemos?**

Anagorn stared hard at the book in her hands.  A quick glance at her surroundings had revealed her location to her immediately – the library at Rivendell.  However, Boromir had not yet made his appearance, leaving Anagorn alone to puzzle out the book that had appeared in her hands the last time she had jumped locations.

After a moment's critical study, the girl turned the book upside down, hoping that the characters would somehow resolve themselves into something she could actually understand.  They didn't.

Sighing, Anagorn quoted under her breath, "It's some form of Elvis.  I can't read it."  The instant the slip of her tongue reached her own ears, she tensed, waiting for something horrible to happen.

And it did.  From somewhere nearby, music floated to her ears.

_"You ain't nothin' but a hound dog…"_

"Argh!"  Dropping the book to the floor, Anagorn shoved her fingers into her ears.  She was so busy trying to block out the sounds of "The King's" music that she completely missed Boromir's entrance, and nearly missed his lines.

"Narsil.  It's the blade that cut the ring.  Ow!  Still sharp."

"Well, thank you, Captain Obvious," Anagorn muttered, even more quietly this time.

Boromir's eyes met hers.  Within them, she found…very little.  The man of Gondor's stare was blank and expressionless.  

"It's just a broken hilt."  With that, Boromir dropped the blade.

Staying true to the script_…or what's left of it, anyways_…Anagorn picked up the fallen blade, placed it reverently onto the dais, and stepped back, waiting for Arwen's entrance.

_But, wait…Arwen's not here.  I wonder if Tom Cruise is going to show up again…_

Then, Anagorn froze as a realization slapped her across the face.  _The bridge scene.  Me and Tom Cruise.  Oh.  My.  Goodness._

The next moment, Anagorn was standing on the bridge…alone.  _Where's Cruise? _she wondered.  She was now long past wondering what had happened to footage – such as the entire conversation that was supposed to precede the bridge scene – that simply vanished off the face of the Aerth.

Suddenly, music reached her ears once more.  This time, however, it was far more enjoyable than Elvis.

_"Love…love changes everything.  Hands and faces, earth and sky."_

Anagorn's jaw dropped several inches.  "It's…it's…it's…Michael Ball!"  Sure enough, her favorite singer in the entire world was striding out of the trees, singing - to her.

_"Love… love changes everything, how you live and how you die."_

He was at the edge of the bridge now.

_"Love…"_

"Twue wove…"

Just as quickly as he had appeared, Michael Ball was gone, replaced by an old, scary-looking man in church robes.

"Will fowow you foweva and eva."

Anagorn nearly fell off the bridge as she found herself far closer than she had ever wanted to be to the Impressive Clergyman from _The Princess Bride_.

"AAAAAAAA!"

And, then, the scene around her vanished once more.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Blue eyes locked onto brown eyes.  Both participants were stubborn – neither would give in.  A stare-down of massive proportions had begun.  For several long, tense, moments, neither party so much as moved.  And then, one nose wiggled, rabbit-like.

Katholas looked away, stifling the laughter that threatened to burst from her.

Camli nodded smugly and settled back into her chair.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you've been summoned here to answer the threat of Murder."

Katholas and Camli both obediently turned their attention to Elrond, who stood at the center of the ring of chairs.

The Council had begun.

As Elrond prattled, Katholas tilted her head ever so slightly and caught Anagorn's eye.  Noting that the teenager-turned-Ranger looked more than a little bit dazed, she cocked one eyebrow.  "What happened?" she mouthed.

Anagorn shook her head ever so slightly.  "Tell ya later," she mouthed back.  She knew Katholas would have to hear this story in its entirety to believe it.  The nightmarish memory of Michael Ball morphing into the Impressive Clergyman played over and over in her mind like a stuck video.

She was so distracted that she very nearly missed the end of Boromir's speech.

"You cannot wield it.  None of us can.  The One Ring answers to Sauron alone.  It has no other master," Anagorn quoted deftly when she felt Katholas and Camli's eyes on her.

"What would a girl Ranger know of this?" Boromir asked, very condescendingly.

Katholas did not even have to think.  Boromir's tone sent her to her feet instantly.  "This is no mere Ranger.  She is Anagorn, daughter of Anathorn."  That part took some concentration to say correctly.  "You owe her your allegiance."  

"Anagorn?  Who's that?"  Boromir asked stupidly.

 "She is heir to the throne of Gondor."  Katholas improvised slightly.

"Havodad, Legolas."  Anagorn froze again the instant the words left her mouth.  _I said Legolas!  Shoot!_

Amazingly enough, no one at the Council even looked at her.  Nobody noticed except Camli, who shot her friend a look that clearly said, _Whoops!_

"Gondor has no king."  Boromir stated the obvious once more.

"Anagorn is right.  We cannot use it – it's incompatible," Gandalf added.

"You have only one choice.  The Ring must be destroyed."

Camli took a deep breath and braced herself for what was to come.  "Well, then, what are we waiting for?"  

Anagorn and Katholas both began snickering.  Somehow, their friend sounded very unconvincing.

Camli grabbed the nearest axe.  _This is the closest I'm ever going to get to using a real weapon in this movie,_ she thought as she hefted the – very heavy – axe and started forward.  

The next thing she knew, she was lying flat on her back on the ground.

Anagorn and Katholas glanced at each other, confusion on their faces.  One moment, Camli had been moving; the next, she was on her back.

Suddenly, all three girls nodded.  "Missing footage," they all mouthed at the same time.

Camli let out the breath she had been holding.  _Beautiful timing,_ she thought.  _That would have hurt…badly._

"The Ring cannot be destroyed, Camli daughter of Clóin, by any craft that we here could make during craft time."

All three girls shot Elrond really weird looks.

"The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Bloom.  Only there can it be unmade.  Though, how you can un-make something, I'm not sure."

"Mount Bloom?" Camli repeated under her breath.  She was getting a bad feeling about this.

Elrond wasn't done yet.  "It must be taken deep into Murder and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came."  The Elf lord paused for a moment.  "Which reminds me, does anybody know what Sauron's real name is?"

Nobody answered.

"Whence."  Elrond answered his own question.  "Like I said, from Whence it came.  Get it?"

Again, nobody answered.

"One does not simply walk into Murder," Boromir began.

"Of course not," Elrond put in.  "It'd be murder! Get it?"

And once more, the great Elf lord was ignored by all.

"He's not funny," Camli muttered.

"He's not even corny," Katholas muttered back.

Anagorn caught both of their eyes and shrugged.  "Dumb," she mouthed at them.

"There is evil there that does not sleep."

"Whence really doesn't sleep anymore," Elrond put in.  "After all, he is a 'lidless eye wreathed in flame.'  If he can't shut his eye, he can't sleep!"

Boromir went on.  "And the Great Eye-"

In exact unison, the three girls curled their hands into an imitation of Boromir's "Eye" gesture and copied it.  Then, all three began giggling.

Everybody at the Council ignored them, too.

"It is folly," Boromir finished.

"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said?" Katholas chimed in right on cue.

"I wish _I_ hadn't," Anagorn muttered.

Katholas winked at her friend, her now-sharper ears having picked up the comment.  "The Ring must be destroyed!"

"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?" Camli asked sarcastically.

"And if we fail, what then?"  Boromir actually sounded as if he didn't know the answer to his question.

"I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!" Camli yelled, thought not highly convincingly.

Ina moment, the entire Council was on their feet yelling.  The three girls began yelling very random comments, such as, "Can't we all just get along?" and "Aw, stuff it!"  In the process, Camli remembered to throw in, "Never trust an elf!"

Frodo's cry actually managed to cut through the din.

As Gandalf stepped forward, Anagorn shot the other two modern girls a panicked look.  _What do I call this thing?_ she asked herself.  _The line is "sword," but this isn't one…_

Before she could ask either of the others, the time had come to say the line.  With a mental shrug, she strode forward.  "If by my life or death,  I can protect you, I will.  You have my knife."

Katholas was next.  "And you have my spoon."  _Oy, does that sound stupid!_

"And my fork!"Camli yelled.

The three girls snickered under their breaths.  Gandalf sent them all a very confused look.

As Boromir and the hobbits came forward, Camli muttered, just loud enough for Katholas to hear, "Sorry about all the anti-Elf comments."

"No problem," Katholas whispered back, just as softly.  "I'll just get you later."

"Great," Camli murmured sarcastically.

"Anyways," Pippin said, "You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest…task…job…undertaking…expedition…search…enterprise…endeavor…

Camli slapped a hand over Pippin's mouth, forcibly silencing him.  Through her hand, she could just make out him saying, "Thing!"

"Nine companions," Elrond intoned.  "So 'May It Be.'"  He looked around, waiting for somebody to laugh at his joke.  Nobody did.  "You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."

"Hom.  Moph a wrph mmhomph?"

Everybody looked at Pippin.  Camli removed her hand from the hobbit's mouth, looking a bit sheepish.

"As I tried to say before somebody silenced me…Where are we going?  Is it somewhere fun?  Will there be mushrooms?  Is it – hmmph!"

Everybody sighed with relief as Camli's hand clapped back over Pippin's mouth.

_Even more disclaimers__: I don't own Elvis.  He didn't give me permission to use his music in my story (since he's dead, I'm kinda glad he didn't give me permission…).  I still don't own Tom Cruise, and I still don't have permission to use him.  I also don't own Michael Ball (even though I wish he'd come sing to me!), nor do I have permission to use him. (Are we sensing a trend here?)  The song "Love Changes Everything" is from the musical Aspects of Love…which (guess what?) I don't have permission to use, either.  I don't own the Impressive Clergyman, either.  I'm rather glad of that… I also don't own/have permission to use the song "May it Be."  I'm sure you all know what that's from…  I DO own Mount Bloom, Murder, Whence, and "You have my knife, and my spoon, and my fork!", however.  Don't steal 'em!!!  Thank you for reading this long and highly repetitive disclaimer (they're gonna get worse, trust me!)_

_SapphireRose – Thank you, Queen of Useless Knowledge.  I have an addition to the disclaimer in chapter four – Sherlock Holmes is owned by the estate of Dame Jean Conan Doyle, not by me.  There we go.  Thanks for the review…(and for helping with recapturing my inspiration…)_

_Lady Eowyn – I was just wondering…thanks for clearing up some of my confusion.  And thank you for reviewing!  I really hope you liked this chapter, even though you had to wait forever to read it.  _

_Noel – I'm glad you like it so much.  The answer the question of how I come up with this stuff?  Brainstorming at one in the morning when I was on cold medication.  =o)  Thanks for reviewing!!!_

_ElfWarrior – wow!  Thank you soooo much for reviewing all four chapters!  You prompted me to return to this story…I really appreciate it.  I'm happy that you are enjoying this so much…it's fun to write, and I'm glad that somebody out there enjoys it as much as I do.  I could tell you what's happened to our heroes…but then I'd have to kill you. =o)  Thank you again for reviewing!_


	6. RandomShotofLegolasRunningDownAFlightofS...

**The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware**

**by Mizalaye**

**Chapter Six: Random-Shot-of-Legolas-Running-Down-A-Flight-of-Stairs**

"Where's Katholas?" Anagorn asked as she looked around the Mirror and saw that she and Camli were the only ones there.

Camli thought for a second, then replied with a laugh, "It's the Random-Shot-of-Legolas-Running-Down-A-Flight-of-Stairs!"

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Katholas scanned the area, attempting to get her bearings and figure out where in the movie she was.  She stood alone in a courtyard.  In front of her, a short flight of stairs led down to another courtyard, where Bill the Pony and a few other people stood.

_Got it_, Katholas thought with a sudden grin.  _It's the Random-Shot-of-Legolas-Running-Down-A-Flight-of-Stairs._

So, she ran down the flight of stairs.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

"Where did you go?"  Anagorn's voice greeted Katholas as she reappeared in the Mirror.

The elf-girl grinned and shrugged.  "I was randomly running down a flight of stairs."

_Note__: Yeah, that's all for this chapter.  This little segment is so random and makes me laugh so hard every time I see it that I decided it was worth its very own chapter.  Thank you to all my reviewers…I'll thank you all personally next chapter!_

_Disclaimer__: The phrase "Random-Shot-of-Legolas-Running-Down-A-Flight-of-Stairs" belongs to me.  Please don't steal it!  ( I don't know why you would want to…but, still.)  Thank you! =o)_


	7. In Which Things Get Even More Weird

**The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware**

**by Mizalaye**

_Beginning Notes__: The parody of "Do You Hear the People Sing?" is not written by me.  It is written by **SapphireRose**, who's parody-ing skills are far greater than mine.  Thank you, m'dear!_

_Dedication__: This chapter is dedicated to **Lady Eowyn** for putting randomness into reviews.  As you can see, it has an interesting habit of wandering into the story…_

**Chapter Seven: In Which Things Get Even More Weird**

The scene changed…yet again.

Anagorn found herself perched atop a boulder, pipe in hand.  _Ew!_  Recoiling from the disgusting object, she nearly dropped it before realizing that it wasn't packed full of lung-congesting pipeweed, as she had thought.  Actually, it was a bubble pipe.  With a shrug, Anagorn raised the pipe to her lips and began thoughtfully blowing bubbles.

Off to Anagorn's right, Frodo and Sam were arguing – again – about whether or not Frodo was getting strep throat.  Below her, Boromir was teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword fight.  _Or, at least, he's supposed to be teaching them how to sword fight…_

True, Merry's sword was drawn, but the hobbit held it awkwardly at waist height, the tip wobbling.  "Don't…don't come near me!" he demanded, eyes and voice filled with fear.  Slowly, the terrified hobbit backed away from Boromir and the man's massive sword.  Unfortunately, he backed up right into Camli.

"Going somewhere, Master Hobbit?" she asked calmly.

Merry jumped higher than Anagorn would have thought possible for a hobbit, coming down facing Camli, short sword still extended.  Fortunately, Camli leapt backward just in time to avoid being impaled by the sword.

Pippin, on the other hand, was running circles around Boromir, forcing the man to spin quickly in order to parry the hobbit's attacks.  The Man of Gondor was beginning to look decidedly dizzy.

"If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I note they're not, I'd say we were taking the long way 'round," Camli commented, eyes fixed on Merry, who was now backing away from her, too.  "We could pass through the mines of Moria."  Camli was quite glad she was the first to say the name of the dwarven realm – maybe the name wouldn't get messed up that way.

"No, Camli," Gandalf responded.  "I would not pass through the mines unless I had no other choice."  The wizard returned to studying his laptop screen.

Suddenly, a group of about eleven college-age men dressed in 19th century French clothing charged across the top of the hill, causing Merry to shriek and duck under a rock.  The Frenchmen were carrying boards of various sizes, and they began assembling a barricade, using the natural rocks as starting points.  Then, they began singing.

_"Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade!"_

One of the Frenchmen leapt atop a boulder and belted out, _"Let them come with their legions and they will be met!"_

A tall, blonde man, who was clearly the leader, sang, _"Have faith in yourselves and don't be afraid."_

"What's that?" Sam asked, pointing to the sky.  Everybody, including the barricade-builders, turned to look.

"It's just a wisp of cloud," Camli replied.  Turning away, she muttered, "Sure, it's just a wisp of cloud.  Wisp of evil birds, maybe!"

"It's moving fast."  Boromir stuck his forefinger into his mouth and held it up in the air, checking the wind direction.  "It's moving against the wind."

"Thank you for pointing that out," Sam snapped irritably.

"_Crebain_ from Dunland!" Katholas cried.

"Hide!" Anagorn yelled.

The revolutionary students from _Les Misérables_, for that was who the barricade-builders were, screamed and ran away down the hill.

Pippin started after them, yelling, "You forgot your barricade!"  Boromir grabbed him by the collar and dragged him under cover.

"I'm not moving."  Sam crossed his arms defiantly across his chest and remained where he was.

"Sam, get under cover!" Anagorn ordered, grabbing Frodo.

"No."  The hobbit clearly was not going to budge.

With a shrug, Anagorn abandoned the hobbit to his fate.

A man dressed in black pants and a black shirt that read, "Lord of the Rings Tech Crew" sprinted in and dumped a bucket of water onto the campfire, extinguishing it, and then ran off again.

The three girls blinked in surprise.

A moment later, the flock of birds began circling the hilltop.  They were…singing…

_~*~ "Do you hear the birdies sing?_

_Singing the song of angry fowl,_

_It is the music of the crebain_

_Who are always on the prowl…" ~*~_

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Sam, who was still sitting out in the open.

Every single bird stopped moving for a moment.  Then, in complete silence, they flew away.

The Fellowship emerged from hiding.  Anagorn, Katholas, and Camli all stared at Sam in complete shock.  Then, Camli turned to the other two.  "I'm telling you, somebody spiked the popcorn!"

Katholas looked off in the direction the birds had disappeared.  "I'm beginning to think you're right."

"MapQuest says the next-fastest route is over Caradhras," Gandalf informed them.

Everybody groaned.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

"I'm going to catch pneumonia!" Frodo stated emphatically as the Fellowship plodded up the slopes of Caradhras.  The other eight travelers rolled their eyes.

"You are not going to catch pneumonia, Master Frodo," Sam stated for what had to be the eighty-fifth time.  "You're wearing a nice, warm coat –"

Frodo cut him off.  "I'm already sick, and I'm coming down with pneumonia!  I know I am!  Here, listen to me cough."  He let out a deep, raspy - and clearly faked - hacking cough.  Suddenly, his feet slipped and he rolled down the hill, coming to a stop at Anagorn's feet.  "See!  Now I'm all covered in snow, and my body temperature is going to drop and I'm going get hypothermia and pneumonia and…"  Suddenly Frodo realized that nobody was listening – they were all staring at Boromir, who had just picked up the Ring from the snow.

"It's so pretty…" Boromir was clearly entranced by the glitter of light off the Ring.

"Wee!!!!!!!"  A rather large penguin slid down the slope beside the Fellowship.  As it passed, the penguin waved its wing at them.

Everybody except Boromir, who was still staring at the Ring, blinked in shock.

"Did you see the penguin slide down the hill, Merry?  It looks like fun to slide down the hill.  Do you want to slide down the hill with me, Merry?"  Pippin was off again.

Merry, however, was backing away from where the penguin had been, eyes wide with fear.

"Shut up, Pippin!" Sam snapped.

Pippin ignored both Sam and Merry.  "Camli, will you slide down the hill with me?  The penguin slid down the – mmph!"

Yet again, Camli slapped a hand over Pippin's mouth.

"Boromir, give the Ring to Frodo," Anagorn ordered, attempting to regain control of the situation.

"It's so little…" Boromir reached his other hand up to touch the Ring.

"Boromir!"

The man of Gondor plodded down to where Frodo stood.  "I don't care."  He handed Frodo the Ring and then ruffled his hair.

As he walked away, Anagorn realized that she had, without noticing, clenched her hand firmly around the hilt of her butter knife.  _Some help that would be,_ she told herself with a morbid laugh.

The next thing any of the Fellowship knew, they were forcing a path through snow up to Anagorn and Boromir's waists.  Poor Camli seemed to be always deeper in the snow, even though she looked only a little shorter than Anagorn.  Katholas found that, true to the script, she could walk atop the drifts.

"And now, my dear dwarf," she said to Camli with an impish smirk, "I have my revenge for all the comments you made at the Council."

"Stuff it," Camli muttered, plowing through the snow in front of her.

Katholas laughed.  Then, with a sudden grin, she scooped up a snowball and tossed it easily onto Camli's head.

"That's it, Madam Elf," Camli sputtered.  As fast as she could, she packed her own snowball and flung it at her friend.  

The snowball battle that followed was rather one-sided; Katholas was far more maneuverable and was aiming down, while Camli was mired in the narrow trench and trying to fling her icy missiles up and out of it.  However, after a minute, Pippin joined Camli's side.  When Saruman's voice reached Katholas' ears a few minutes later, all three of them were breathless and covered in snow.

"There is a fell voice on the air," Katholas called with a barely suppressed grin.

Gandalf ran a lightning-fast voice analysis with his laptop.  "It's Saruman!" he cried as an avalanche buried the Fellowship.

Anagorn clawed her way free of the snow, spitting and sputtering.  "That is definitely NOT a rice-based snow substitute!"

Suddenly, the three girls found themselves back in the Mirror.  On the screen, Saruman was intoning, "Moria.  You fear to enter thothe mineth.  You know that you cannot get internet thervithe down in the depthth."

"Internet service?" Katholas repeated.  "Gandalf's entire reasoning for not going to Moria is that he can't get internet service?

"Does it really surprise you?" Anagorn asked.

Katholas shrugged.  "You have a…"

The three girls reappeared in the snow.

"…point," Katholas finished.

"Never trust MapQuest," Gandalf muttered, staring at his laptop screen.  "Let the Ringbearer decide, though."

"We go through the mines," Frodo voted immediately.  "Maybe if I get out of the snow, I won't get too severe a case of pneumonia."

Everybody rolled their eyes.

_Ending Notes__: This chapter is a bit short, but there's no good place to break for a while…so the next chapter will probably be fairly long.  If you've enjoyed your foray into the randomness that is my writing, please review and let me know!  If you have suggestions or corrections, or just random comments, please review and give them to me!  If you've absolutely hated this fic…well, feel free to review, but know that all flames will be used later in the story! =o)  Thank you to those who have already reviewed!_

_Insanely long disclaimer__:  The students and the song "Building the Barricade" from Les Misérables belong to Cameron Mackintosh, Ltd.  So does the original song "Do You Hear the People Sing?"  The parody "Do You Hear the Birdies Sing?" is written by and belongs to SapphireRose.  MapQuest belongs to itself.  The penguin belongs to Lady Eowyn, I suppose.  The rice-based snow substituted belongs to the actual LotR movie people.  None of the above belong to me, and most of them are used without permission.  Everything else belongs to me._

_Figure – Thank you for taking the time to review all my chapters!  I'm glad you're enjoying this fic so much…*laughs hysterically*  Can I use that lightbulb idea?  I love it!  It's so perfect!_

_Karita-chan – I'm glad you like it.  Thank you for reviewing!  I hope you enjoyed this chapter, too._

_SapphireRose – I figured you would get a kick out of the Michael Ball thing.  I hope you like the resurrection of Camli silencing Pippin (it fit too well…I had to use it again).  Thank you again for the song parody! =o)_

_Lady Eowyn – I'm glad you thought it was so funny, and I hope you don't mind that your penguin appeared in the story (I did warn you about random reviews, after all!)  I hope you liked this chapter, too!_

_Elven Princess – May I ask why you and Figure share an obsession with pineapples?  Is this on purpose, or does randomness simply spread in odd ways?  Anyways, to answer your questions: in the original theatrical release of Fellowship, during the "If I go one more step…" scene, a car drove past in the very back of the shot; the last thing Aragorn says to Arwen before she gets on the horse to take Frodo to Rivendell doesn't have a subtitle – that's because it's "I love you" in Danish; and the Impressive Clergyman is the priest-looking guy who "marries" Humperdink and Buttercup in the movie The Princess Bride.  Thank you for reviewing!_

_ElfWarrior – I agree with you – more Legolas footage is always a good thing!  But that scene just cracks me up!  Thank you for reviewing…I hope you liked this installment, too!_

_Annungwathiel – Thank you for reviewing!  I'm glad you're enjoying so far…I hope you liked this chapter, too!_


	8. The Usefulness And Lack Thereof of Enc...

**The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware**

**by Mizalaye**

_Dedication__: This chapter is dedicated to **SapphireRose, for her parodies, feedback, faithful reviews, and contributions.  This seemed an appropriate chapter to dedicate to you…you should recognize a few things in it! =o)**_

**Chapter Eight: The Usefulness - and Lack Thereof - of Enchanted Backpacks**

The three girls looked around furtively, to see if anybody was watching them.  Nobody was.  Pippin and Merry were taking turns standing and throwing rocks into the water, Gandalf was typing away on his laptop, apparently attempting to hack into Moria's computer network, Frodo kept coughing experimentally, Boromir was staring blankly at the door, and Sam kept pouring out his heart to Bill the Pony, complaining that nobody else in the Fellowship "understands me the way you do, Bill."  Bill the Pony, meanwhile, was looking for grass.

Camli was beginning to believe that somebody had spiked Sam's popcorn, too.

Since nobody was paying them any attention, Anagorn plunged her hand into the Enchanted Backpack.  Katholas and Camli held their breath, waiting.  She pulled out a spray can.

"Again?"  Anagorn asked, staring at the can.

"Wait…that's not spray paint," Camli said, examining the can.  "It's hair dye."

The three girls froze.  "It's black spray hair dye!  AAAAAAAAAAA!"  They screamed.

"Get rid of it!  It's evil!" ** Katholas cried.

Camli grabbed the offending can and thrust it into Pippin's hand.  The hobbit obligingly flung the can into the water after his rock.

All three girls breathed sighs of relief.

"That was close," Anagorn said.

Suddenly, Frodo spoke up.  "What's the elvish word for "friend"?"

Gandalf ran a translation program through his laptop.

Katholas whispered, "Why doesn't he just ask the elf in the group?"

"Because you just aren't special enough," Camli retorted teasingly.

That earned her a smack on the shoulder.

"_Mellon," Gandalf intoned, having finished his translation program._

The doors groaned open.

The girls stepped inside hesitantly, nervous over what they would find inside the mines of Moria.  As it turned out, the mines had not been tampered with.  There were still skeletons all over the floor.

"Soon, Madam Elf," Camli said, "you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves!  Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone!" Suddenly, she stopped.  "What am I saying?  I'm a vegetarian!"

"It's all right, Camli," Anagorn reassured her.  "We all have to say dumb lines."

"Anyways, this is my cousin Balin's home.  And they call it a mine.  A mine!"  Lowering her voice, Camli muttered, "I never have understood that line…"

"This is no mine.  This is a tomb," Boromir stated.  "THIS is a tomb.  This IS a tomb.  This is A tomb.  This is a TOMB.  This is a too-ooo-ooo-mb..."

Since Boromir showed no signs of stopping his quest for the perfect way to say the line, Anagorn took over.  "Get out!  Get out!"

"Oh…dear…" Katholas murmured, realizing what was about to happen.

The Watcher in the Water attacked.  A moment later, Frodo was being waved in the air.

Nobody had to think.  Three hands plunged into three Enchanted Backpacks.

From the red pack came an onion ring, from the purple a pineapple, and from the green a video marked "TTT."  "Huh?" came from all three mouths.  Then came the three explanations.  

"Foxtrot cartoon."  

"Random reviewers."  

"Two Towers."

Frodo screamed.

All three girls threw their objects into the lake and dug back into their Backpacks.  Anagorn whipped out a camera.

"Here goes nothing," she said, remembering Weathertop.  "Hey, say cheese!" she called to the Watcher.

Much to everybody's surprise, the Watcher struck a pose.

Anagorn snapped a picture.

The Watcher struck another pose…and dropped Frodo.

Anagorn took another picture.  "That's good…turn slightly…"

The Watcher obeyed.

Camli grabbed Frodo, Katholas grabbed everybody else, and the Fellowship retreated into Moria.

"Work it…work it…" Anagorn snapped one final picture, turned, and sprinted into the mines.

The Watcher chased after her and tore down the doors, clearly enraged now.

A light flickered on in the darkness.  Everybody looked up to see Gandalf screwing a new light bulb into the tip of his staff.  "We must now face the long dark of Moria.  Be on your guard.  There are older and fouler things than no internet in the deep places of the world."

Anagorn dug into her Backpack again, looking for a torch.  She pulled out a lightsaber.  "That works," she commented, switching it on.

Suddenly, the adrenaline of the Watcher's attack wore off, and Anagorn's brain kicked into high gear.

"Katholas, tell me I'm wrong.  Just…tell me I'm wrong."

"Wrong about what?"

"Wrong about what I threw into the lake of the Watcher."

Katholas gasped.  "You didn't!  I thought you hung on to it!"

"No."  Anagorn smacked herself in the forehead.  "I just threw a copy of Two Towers into the lake!  I'm such an idiot!  I was holding the movie in my hand…and I threw it into the lake."

"It's all right, Anagorn," Katholas reassured her.  "We all make mistakes.  We'll see it soon…"

"That doesn't help any," Anagorn retorted.

Before the girls could further lament the loss of the movie they had been waiting for ever since they saw Fellowship for the first time, they found themselves seated on a rock.

"Are we lost?"  Merry sounded decidedly terrified.

"We're lost," Sam agreed sullenly.

"We're not lost," Frodo argued.  "Though my head is feeling decidedly sore…"

"I think we're lost," Merry whispered, trying to crawl under a rock.

"Sh!" Pippin said.  "Gandalf's thinking about which way to go 'cause he can't remember which way it is, except he's not thinking about it anymore 'cause now Frodo's asking him about something, and do you have any pipeweed, Merry?"

The three girls turned away from the hobbits.  "Why aren't we in the Mirror?" Camli asked.  "We don't do anything during this long discussion between Gandalf and Frodo."

"But we technically are in the scene," Anagorn said dully.  Clearly, she was still kicking herself for having literally thrown away the opportunity to see Two Towers before it opened.

"Come on, Anagorn," Katholas said, in an attempt to cheer her friend up, "let's see what else is in these Backpacks."

Obligingly, Anagorn stuck a hand into her green pack and hauled out a plastic figurine of Gimli the Dwarf, axe slung over one shoulder.  "It's a LotR action figure…"

Camli was right behind her friend.  "A candy bar?"  Then, she began giggling.  "It's one of those nasty, half-peppermint, half-pure-sugar candy bars!"  A wicked smirk spread across her face.  'Oh, Pippin!"

"Don't!  Please!" Katholas begged.

It was too late.  Pippin had bounced over to Camli and, on seeing the food, grabbed it and stuffed the entire candy bar into his mouth.  A moment later, the hobbit was literally bouncing off the walls – he was running at full speed around the cavern, simply allowing his collisions with solid objects such as rock walls to redirect his crazy motion.

Camli shook her head and laughed.

"What's that?" Boromir had noticed the three in tight conference.

"They're Enchanted Backpacks," Camli replied without thinking.

"What do they do?"

A mischievous gleam appeared in Katholas' eye.  "You pull random objects out of them," she informed him, a bit too innocently.

"May I try?"

Camli was about to say "no," but Katholas held out her purple pack to Boromir.  "Go ahead."  She grinned at the others.  She was eager to see what he would find in the Backpack.

Boromir reached in and pulled out a stapled booklet of five sheets of paper.  Across the top of the first page were the words, "Final Exam."  Boromir drew himself up to his full height as if he were about to make some weighty statement.  "This is only a test."

The Man of Gondor could not understand when all three girls began laughing so hard that Anagorn fell off the rock she was sitting on.

As Anagorn fell, she knocked her green Backpack off its perch.  When the pack hit the ground, the catch holding it closed slipped open, and a multicolored coat fell out.

A moment later, the music started.

_"How he loved his coat of many colors…it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and…"_

All the girls began looking around them for the source of the music.  They couldn't see anything, however.

_"…cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and BLUE!"_

The music finally ended, just in time for the girls to hear Gandalf say, "Oh!  It's that way!"

A moment later, Camli looked over and saw a familiar-looking room with a beam of light landing squarely on a white casket.  _More missing footage, she realized._

"No!"  Jogging into the burial room, Camli knelt beside the burial place of Balin and began to feign tears.

Katholas came up behind her.  "You're not crying," the elf-girl whispered.

"Oh, hush!" Camli snapped softly as she dropped her helmet-clad head onto the stone edge of the casket.

Gandalf scanned the pages from the Dwarven records into his laptop with a – predictably – grey scanner that he pulled from his robes and began reading the translation he found there.  "We cannot get out….they are coming."

Pippin, who had been running circles around the group, ran over to the well, which had a skeleton perched precariously atop the edge.

The three girls spoke with one voice.  "Oh, no…"

Sure enough, Pippin bumped the skeleton, which proceeded to fall down the well, sending echoes through the mines.

Orc drums resonated through the room.

Three girls swallowed hard, sent up a prayer, and leapt into action.

Boromir pulled the doors closed.  "They have a cave troll!"

"I love that line!"  Katholas commented as she tossed several long poles to Boromir and Anagorn, who quickly barred the doors.

"Let them come!"  Camli leapt atop the casket and brandished Exaria, feeling like an idiot.  "There is one dwarf in Moria who still draws breath!"  _Well…sort of…_

Mere seconds later, orcs burst through the doors.

Anagorn had but time for one comment.  "Oh, UGLY!"

Then, battle was joined.

Gandalf began typing one-handed, wielding Glamdring with the other.  One by one, the orcs around him began to vanish into thin air.  Merry was cowering in a corner, but Pippin seemed to be thoroughly enjoying his battle, swinging wildly at anything that looked remotely orcish.  He had to apologize for nearly decapitating Sam at one point.  Anagorn, Katholas, and Camli were far too busy ducking and reaching for the Enchanted Backpacks to notice where Boromir, Frodo, and Sam had gotten to.

Then, the cave troll burst in, and the mayhem got worse.

The next thing the girls knew, they were standing in front of the Lady Galadriel in Lothlórien.

"What happened to the rest of Moria?"  Katholas asked.

Galadriel intoned, "Sleep now and rest…"

And then the girls were back in the midst of the battle with the cave troll.

Three heads shook, trying to clear three minds, and three hands slipped into Backpacks.

Anagorn pulled out a mushroom.  A moment later, Pippin appeared by her side, snatched the mushroom from her hands, neatly dispatched the half-dozen or so orcs in the near vicinity, and popped away again.

Camli retrieved a scrunchie.  Shrugging, she pulled it back like a rubber band and shot it at an orc.  The orc fell and did not rise again.

Katholas felt her hands brush fur.  She pulled out a large, headless stuffed animal.  "The Goat!" she cried, remembering the music that had been played a moment before.  Then, a highly random idea struck her.  "Camli!" she cried.  "Give me a C!"

Camli immediately understood her friend's idea.  Reaching into her Enchanted Backpack and praying, she pulled out a pitch pipe.  "That's the first time this thing has worked correctly all movie!" she yelled in relief.  Then, she sounded middle C on the pipe.

Katholas readied her stance, took a deep breath, and, using all the power she could muster, sang out a high C – two octaves higher than the note Camli had played.  The note was loud and piercing enough to make everybody in the room wince – even Camli, who was a first soprano herself and used to such notes.

The cave troll, however, began staggering and roaring.  Then, it collapsed.

Katholas felt like cheering.  Then, she remembered something.  Frodo and Anagorn.  Sure enough, Anagorn was crawling across the floor toward an unconscious Frodo.

Frodo gasped and sat up.

Anagorn glanced back at the others.  "You see?  There is a God."

Before any of the others could respond, orc drums sounded once more.

Gandalf glanced down at his printout from Moria_Map.com and cried out, "To the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm!"

The three girls took deep breaths and ran off.  This was far from over.

__

__

_**If you have ever been involved with a theatre production in which you had to use theatre-grade spray-in hair dye, you will understand why it is evil.  If you are blessed enough to have never had contact with the stuff, consider yourself to be blessed indeed.  It gets everywhere!  I figured I should explain why Katholas called something as seemingly innocent as hair dye evil.  She had her reasons._

_Notes, notes, and more notes!__ – First, the obligatory disclaimers.  The onion ring was inspired by the Foxtrot cartoon, "Lord of the Onion Rings."  I don't own Foxtrot, but I like the comic!  The pineapple was inspired by Figure and Elven Princess, who put it in their reviews.  Thank you for the randomness!!!  Two Towers, obviously, belongs to New Line Cinema, who, coincidentally, also own the movie I am currently destroying in this fic.  Don't fear, New Line!  I'll return it when I'm done.  The Technicolor Dreamcoat, and the song about it, are from the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, as is the goat.  They belong to Andrew Lloyd Webber and whoever else officially owns his stuff.  I stole all of the above…please don't sue me for taking it!_

_Noel – I'm glad you liked that chapter so much…what about this one?  YES, this stuff is quite random…but I'm sure you will laugh very hard at chapters to come as well.  Thanks for the review!_

_Nevlomeien__ – Thank you for the review!  I hope you enjoyed this chapter, too!_

_SapphireRose__ – Thanks for the luck…I'm sure gonna need it.  Thanks for the review, as always.  I hope you enjoyed this silly chapter, as well._

_Figure – Thank you so much for the multiple reviews!  Brownie points to you for "figuring" (sorry…couldn't help the pun) out the weapons!  And many thanks for pointing out the accent slip-up.  That's been fixed now! =o)  I hope you enjoyed this chapter, too!_

_Lady Eowyn – Uhm…yes, I did. *grins* I'm glad you liked it so much.  Thank you for reviewing!_

_ElfWarrior__ – All I can tell you is…it takes sugar, an overdose of LotR, occasional cold medication, and a highly random mind.  You will find many more random musicals and movies thrown in before we're done!  I enjoy combining my interests.  Thanks for the review!_


	9. Shadow and Flames

**The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware**

**by Mizalaye**

_Author's Notes__: Well, I didn't get this finished by my "deadline…"  But, I hope to get it wrapped up fairly quickly…only a few more chapters are left!  I'm sorry this chapter is rather short…again, I have to break chapters where I can!  Enjoy!  _

**Chapter Nine: Shadow and Flames**

"This foe is beyond the capabilities of any of you.  Run!"

None of the other Fellowship members – not even stubborn Sam – stopped to ask questions or argue with Gandalf's command. The light from the approaching Balrog filled all nine hearts with panic.  Nine heroes of Middle Aerth turned and sprinted for the bridge.

Katholas skidded to a halt, grabbing Boromir to steady herself, and watched as his torch spiraled down into the deep.  "Oh…dear…"  She swallowed hard as her vision began to swirl.  Her eyes locked onto the flame as it tumbled down…and down…and down…

"Aw, spite!" Camli lunged forward, grabbed Katholas by the back of the collar, and dragged the elf-girl away from the drop.

"Thanks," Katholas muttered as she took slow, deep breaths in an attempt to restore her equilibrium.  "I'd forgotten about that…"

"The Bridge is not going to be fun," Camli responded as both girls took off running, following Anagorn.

As she led the Fellowship down the stairs, Anagorn suddenly realized what Katholas and Camli had just thought of – both of the other girls were absolutely terrified of heights!  "This is going to be interesting," she murmured.

When music filled the air again, all three girls cocked their heads in confusion.  What they heard was…interesting…to say the least.

_"BOOM! Shakalaka.  BOOM! Shaklaka."_

Katholas leapt over the edge of the staircase, landing just behind Anagorn.  "I'm definitely beginning to agree with Camli about that popcorn," she muttered.

Anagorn nodded in agreement.

_"BOOM! Shaka-Laka-Laka.  BOOM! Shaka-Laka-Laka.  BOOM! Shaka-Laka-Laka."_

Sam was clearly fed up with the chanting.  "SHUT UP!" he screamed.

_"BOOM!   Shaka………laka………"  _The voices sounded somewhat sheepish.

"I wish I could do that," Camli muttered.

But nobody had time to mull over why Sam held so much power over the random musical aspects of their twisted journey, for they had reached the break in the stairs.

Without stopping to think about what she was doing – for she knew panic would immediately follow thought – Katholas sprang across the gap.  Everyone breathed a prayer of thanks when she landed safely.  "Gandalf!"

The wizard hopped across easily.  Boromir grabbed a terrified Merry and a wriggling Pippin under his arms and practically flung himself after Gandalf.

"Oops," Boromir muttered as the stone behind him crumbled.

Anagorn grabbed Sam and somehow managed to throw him over the hole for Katholas to catch.  Then, trembling, she turned to Camli.

Camli took a very deep breath.  "No one tosses a dwarf!" she cried.  As quickly as she could, she reached into her Enchanted Backpack.

Three girls prayed.

Camli pulled out a large plunger.

Anagorn and Katholas began praying even harder.

Camli also refused to stop long enough to think.  She simply readied the plunger and jumped.  Her feet just touched the rock on the other side, and she planted the red rubber suction cup onto the stone between them.  Katholas grabbed the end of the plunger's pole and hauled backwards, giving Camli enough leverage to scramble up onto the platform.  "Thanks," the dwarf-girl whispered as the rock on the other side crumbled once more, forcing Anagorn to throw Frodo up higher on the staircase and scramble out of the way.

"No problem."  Katholas looked up just in time to see the rock above plummet down, crashing through the stone behind Anagorn and Frodo.

After catching her friend and the Ringbearer, Katholas turned and led the company down the remainder of the staircase.  Moments later, they reached the bridge.

One by one, the Fellowship sprinted out onto the narrow span.  As she ran, Anagorn listened with fear for her two friends who followed, praying that they would somehow not falter.  Boromir simply plodded along, following Anagorn without thought.  Frodo was muttering about leg cramps and side stitches.  Merry's eyes were wide, and he wasted no breath on anything but running away from the fiery beast that pursued them.  Pippin seemed to find some sort of joy in running, and clearly was still burning off the sugar from the candy bar Camli had fed him – he was managing to cover twice as much distance as everybody else, and yet he never got ahead of the group.  Sam was ignoring all the mayhem around him – he simply ran.  Behind the hobbits, two acrophobic girls took deep, consistent breaths and tried not to look down.  Camli focused her eyes on the stone in front of her, refusing to look forward or over the edge.  Katholas took the opposite approach – she fastened her gaze on the end of the bridge and trusted her elven balance to keep her on the bridge.  All the girls breathed sighs of deep relief when all the Fellowship – save, obviously, Gandalf – had reached the other side of the Bridge.

"You cannot pass!" the wizard cried.

The flaming enemy stretched to its full height.  The three transplanted girls screamed in terror.

"That's no Balrog!" Anagorn cried.

"What is it?" Merry asked, terrified.

On the bridge, a young woman stepped toward Gandalf, brandishing a fiery sword.  The woman's hair fell to her feet, a mix of flaming red and the deepest black.  Her eyes, too, shone black as pitch, with brilliant scarlet lights in them.  A gown of black satin that somehow held flame within itself flowed about her.  Despite the aura of evil power that visibly radiated from her, the woman was stunningly beautiful.  All the male members of the Fellowship swallowed hard and attempted in vain to tear their eyes away from the vision of shadow and flame and beauty.

The three female members shrieked slightly and cried with one voice, "It's a **Mary Sue**!"

"How did a Mary Sue get in here?" Katholas asked.  "I thought only random movies ended up in this mess."

"But what else could be as evil?" Camli asked rhetorically.

Anagorn nodded.  "A Mary Sue is definitely more evil than a Balrog…"

Gandalf raised his sword and his laptop.  "I am the servant of the Secret of Well-Written Characters, Wielder of the Flame Review!  Dark Canon-Twisting will not avail you, Bane of Good Writing!"

Clearly ticked now, the Mary Sue raised her massive blade over her head with her delicate-looking arms and swung fiercely at Gandalf.  The fiery blade seemed to explode against the Firewall that had arisen around the wizard.

"Go back to the shadow where you belong, and stay out of fanfiction," Gandalf ordered.  "You!  Shall not!  Pass!"  With that, Gandalf hit the final keystroke of whatever he had been typing and slammed Glamdring down against the bridge.

The Mary Sue seemed to laugh.  Brandishing the fiery whip she had formed from a strand of her hair, she stepped forward.  The bridge beneath her disintegrated, sending her down into the shadows below.

Gandalf sighed with relief and turned toward the rest of the Fellowship.

With a scream and the predictable tenacity of a Mary Sue that just wouldn't die, the fiery whip rose from the depths and wrapped around Gandalf's ankle.  The wizard yelped as he was jerked off his feet, his sword and laptop tumbling into the chasm.  For a moment, he tried to pull himself up.  Realizing it was hopeless, he looked at the Fellowship and commanded, "Exit, you fools!"

Then, Gandalf fell.

Strains of music floated to the ears of the three girls as they grabbed the hobbits and dashed up the stairs and out of Moria.

_"Never hold back your step for a moment…Never doubt that your courage will grow…Hold your head even higher, and into the fire we go!"_

Following the joyous song of "Into the Fire" came, from far away in the depths of the caves, a series of slow, haunting bugle notes.  Anagorn, Katholas, and Camli all bowed their heads for a moment.

_Taps._

_Yup, it's another disclaimer!__: BOOM! Shaka-laka-laka is from the movie "Muppet Treasure Island" (the pigs, if you were wondering), and I don't own either the movie or the song/chant/whatever.  The song "Into the Fire" is from the musical The Scarlet Pimpernel, which I also don't own and have no permission to quote from.  I don't own "Taps," either…  I do own the "Shadow and Flame" Mary Sue.  Please, please don't steal her…I shudder to think of her actually being used in a fic…*shudders*_

_Notes__: Please review if you like what you're reading!  I wouldn't recommend flaming me, though…I'll just give them to Gandalf as ammunition against the Mary Sue Balrog! =o)_

_Mendy – Thank you for the review!  Don't worry…I won't stop posting (at least 'til I'm done) =o)_

_Lady Eowyn – It's all right…*hands Lady Eowyn a kleenex*  I understand about the evilness of fanfiction.net occasionally.  Thank you for the long and random review!_

_lil' odd me – I'm glad you're enjoying this so far.  I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as well!  Thank you for reviewing!_

_ElfWarrior – Thank you for your review!  I'm glad you're enjoying so far.  And don't worry…the randomness will not stop anytime soon.  *Evil laugh*_

_Figure – Thank you for your multiple and highly random reviews.  They make me laugh every time I read one!  You're quite welcome…I won't use every suggestion I get, but if I really like one, I'll stick it in!  I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as well!_

_SapphireRose – I'm glad you enjoyed "your" chapter!  Thanks for helping me with various editing problems like colors and spelling…I hope you enjoy this chapter, too!_


	10. There and Back and There and Back and Th...

**The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware**

**by Mizalaye**

**Chapter Ten:** **There and Back and There and Back and There and Back…Again**

_Ah, the part where I get too look like an idiot,_ Camli thought wryly as she found herself walking through thick woods that could only be the "fair woods of Lothlórien."  Hoping she could remember the entirety of her line, she began, "Take care, young hobbits!  They say a great sorceress lives in these woods, an elf witch of terrible power.  All who look upon her fall under her spell, and are never seen again."

Though she obviously couldn't hear Galadriel's telepathic "welcome" to Frodo, Camli did hear the Ringbearer stop dead in his tracks.

"Mister Frodo?" Sam sounded more exasperated than concerned.

Bracing herself for the inevitable, Camli finished her line.  "Well, here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily.  I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox."

Right on cue, sharp arrow-tips appeared, trained on the members of the Fellowship.  Anagorn, Katholas, and Camli, who had been expecting the sudden appearance of the weapons, simply froze.  Frodo began muttering something about lead poisoning, Sam dealt out death-glares to each and every one of the grey-cloaked figures pointing a weapon at him, and Merry attempted to crawl under a rock.  However, as there were no rocks in the immediate vicinity, the unfortunate hobbit attempted to crawl under Camli.  The dwarf-girl hauled him roughly to his feet.  Pippin, much to everybody's shock, had frozen at the sight of the arrows, as well.  Now, a few seconds later, he still hadn't moved.

"Put that one in the record book," Katholas muttered.  "Pippin's holding still!"

"It won't last," Camli predicted cynically.

Boromir, meanwhile, was staring intently at the leader of the archers.  Wondering what the intellectually challenged Man of Gondor could be staring at, the three girls turned to look as well.  All four of them recognized the man – for he was certainly not elven – at the same time.

"Faramir?"

Faramir stepped forward from his company of archers.  "Boromir, my brother.  Is that truly you?"

"My brother!" Boromir cried.

As the brothers embraced, the three girls sent each other bewildered glances.  "Faramir isn't even in the trilogy until Two Towers!" Katholas hissed.

 "Captain Faramir," Anagorn said aloud, hoping to get to the bottom of at least one of these random appearances, "how do you and your men come to be so far from Gondor?"

Faramir seemed puzzled.  "How is it, madam, that you know my name, yet I know not yours?  And where, pray tell, do you believe we are?  My men and I have been patrolling these woods of Ithilien for months now."

Anagorn did all she could – she improvised.  "Our traveling companion, Boromir, your brother, told us many tales of his courageous younger brother Faramir.  When you and he embraced as brothers, I knew our journeys had led us to that same warrior."

It was Boromir's turn to look puzzled, as he did not remember telling the Fellowship any tales about Faramir.  However, as Anagorn had hoped, the slow mind the mangled movie had gifted him with caused him to simply forget about her comment.

"As for your location, Captain…"  Anagorn trailed off.  How could she explain to this man how he had suddenly turned up halfway across Middle Aerth from where he had started?

Katholas, as was her nature, stepped forward with the blunt answer.  "Captain, you and your men are now standing in the fair elven forest of Lothlórien, realm of the Elven Queen, Galadriel.  I suggest you march out again, as she does not take kindly to intruders in her realm."  _Besides, you and your men have someplace to be by the time we get to Two Towers,_ she added mentally.

"What about you?" Faramir asked, looking at Boromir.

Before the man could respond, Anagorn spoke up.  "We are seeking refuge with the Lórien elves.  We will find our way to their city."

"How will you find your way through such a dangerous forest?" Faramir questioned.

"Quite easily," Anagorn replied with a smirk.  Too softly for anybody except Katholas and Camli, who stood beside her, to hear, she added, "The scene is about to change."

And change it did.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

All eight members of the Fellowship blinked rapidly as what felt like spotlights shone insistently into their eyes, heralding the appearance of Galadriel and Celeborn.  Anagorn, Katholas, and Camli all let out deep sighs and relaxed slightly.  After all, the next few scenes couldn't be too bad – Galadriel had obviously escaped the movie's destruction unscathed, since she was the one who had reassembled it.  Pippin, who had completely recovered from his earlier trance, didn't even seem to notice the two luminous elves; he was busy bouncing in neat little circles around the rest of the group, whistling off-key.  Camli began wishing she had some duct tape.

"Eight there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell," Celeborn intoned.  "Where is Gandalf?  For I much desire to speak with him…"

Galadriel looked directly into Anagorn's eyes.  The girl Ranger suddenly found herself unable to look away.

"He has fallen into shadow," the Elven queen stated.

Galadriel continued to speak, but none of the three transplanted girls heard her.  For Galadriel now also spoke within their minds.

_"You have come far, warriors from another world, but your own Quest is not yet over.  You have endured much, but you must endure far more before this movie is completed and you can return to your own world.  Remember, warriors, have faith in yourselves and have faith in my gifts.  And, most important of all, you must remember…"_

Without warning, Anagorn and Camli found themselves back inside Galadriel's Mirror.  "What?" Camli screamed in frustration.  "What is the most important thing?  Huh?  What is it?  AAAA!" 

"Screaming won't help," Anagorn snapped, though she looked as irritated as Camli sounded.  "I just wish we'd had ten more seconds!"  Then, realization slapped Anagorn across the face like a dueler's glove.  "The missing footage!" she yelled.

"I thought you said yelling wouldn't help!" Camli yelled back.

"Shut up and let me finish!" Anagorn screamed.  Then, much more quietly, "Do you remember the ten seconds or so of Lothlórien that was stuck in the middle of the cave troll battle?"

Camli immediately understood.  "Oh, no," she groaned.  "Because it was there, it wasn't here, so the scene was shorter and Galadriel couldn't finish telling us what was so important!"  The dwarf-girl balled both gloved hands into fists.  "When I find whoever is responsible for this, I'm gonna…"

"Look!" Anagorn said, pointing to the TV screen.

Katholas looked only slightly less irritated than the two in the Mirror.  Fortunately, she had at least pulled herself together enough to remember her lines.  "I have not the heart to tell you.  For me, the grief is still too near."

Moments later, Anagorn vanished and was replaced by Katholas.  "Okay," the elf-girl said, clapping both hands to the sides of her head.  "That was disorienting!"

"Dratted moving footage," Camli growled.

"Not that!  When the scene changed, I was in a different costume!  Do you have any idea how weird it feels to have the clothes you're wearing instantly change from leather armor into a formal elf robe?"

"I have to say I have never had that experience," Camli replied dryly.

"It's weird.  Very weird," Katholas replied with a slight shudder.

"I'll take your word for it." 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Anagorn's already-frayed temper was near breaking.  _Compared to this, dealing with the hobbits was a picnic!_  Boromir's one-word answers and stubborn refusal to say anything – unless, of course, it was painfully obvious – was making this conversation impossible.  Anagorn had nearly decided to simply sit and wait for the scene's time to run out.  

Suddenly, a group of forty-odd boys dressed in the raggedy clothes of 1900-ish street kids charged from the trees.  Anagorn immediately recognized the cast of Disney's Newsies, with Jack "Cowboy" Kelly in the lead.

"Pulitza' an' Hoist, dey think we're nuthin'!  Are we nuthin'?" Jack sang.

Boromir studied the boys for a moment.  "Uhm…no?"

Apparently satisfied, the newsies ran away again.

Anagorn stood, walked over to the nearest tree, and began methodically banging her head against the trunk until the scene changed – or she knocked herself unconscious.  She wasn't entirely sure which one happened first.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

"Frodo!  Look, Camli, it's Frodo Baggins!"

"Hullo, Frodo!"

As blackness receded from her pounding head, Anagorn's first thought was that she had somehow managed to go all the way back to the beginning of the movie, when Merry and Pippin collided with Frodo and Sam in Farmer Maggot's field.  "Oh, no…" she groaned.  "I can't handle it all again!"

"She's coming around," Katholas' familiar voice said.  "Slowly now, Anagorn."

Anagorn blinked twice, and the world around her snapped into focus.  She was back inside Galadriel's Mirror and above her, on the other side of the watery ceiling was Frodo's face – magnified at least ten times.  "AAA!" she screamed in fright.

Katholas and Camli simply laughed.  "It's all right, Anagorn," Camli reassured her.  "We've just gotten to the scene with Frodo and the Mirror.  Look!  We get to watch the whole thing backwards!"

Sure enough, the familiar pictures of Frodo's vision washed across the water above them, although each picture was flipped around.

"It's a "Mirror"-image!" Katholas cracked.  

Immediately, Camli tackled her.

Anagorn was in too much pain to do anything other than glare weakly and comment, "That was a pun worthy of Elrond."

Having finished punching her friend, Camli reached into her Enchanted Backpack.  "Let's see if we can get you patched up before you have to go get in that canoe."

Katholas leapt to her feet, unhurt, and did the same.

Camli pulled out a black-hilted dagger with a ten-inch blade.  Some sort of oil covered the blade, giving it an evil gleam.

Anagorn let out a nervous laugh.  "Somehow, I don't think that's going to help me any…"

Katholas, meanwhile, had pulled a black pen from her own Backpack.  "This isn't going to help much, eith…"  The elf-girl stopped mid-word when her eyes fell on the dagger in Camli's hand.  "The Black Knife!" she whispered.  Then, remembering the fanfic in which that weapon appeared, she screamed, "Don't touch the blade!"

Camli's hand was already moving toward the oily metal.  "Why not? It's –"

But before she could finish, Katholas had leaped for the weapon.  Trying not to touch it herself, she swung the only thing in her hand – the pen – at the dagger, knocking it out of Camli's grip.

The knife hit the glowing marble floor with a loud clang.  Doing a rather impressive imitation of the Morgul blade from Weathertop, the dagger's blade disintegrated into powder, leaving only the hilt.

For a moment, all three girls stared at the hilt.  Then they all looked at the pen.  Then, in precise unison, they groaned, "The pen is mightier than the sword."

"I should have known," Camli muttered.  "Now, what was so scary about that?"

While Katholas explained – in great detail – exactly why the blade of the Black Knife was dangerous, Anagorn dug around in her own Enchanted Backpack and managed to find half of a Hershey bar.  After gulping it down, she found that the pounding in her head had gone down considerably.

Which was a good thing, because the scene changed once more.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

As the Fellowship climbed into the Elven canoes and prepared for the trip down the Anduin, Anagorn and Katholas prayed that they would be able to keep their boats moving.  The last thing they needed was to tip a canoe over mid-stream!  Since she didn't have to worry about paddling, Camli occupied herself by mentally counting down until the first appearance of the Uruk-hai along the banks. 

_5…4…3…2…1…Uruk-_

Camli never got to finish the thought.  All three girls found themselves standing back in Galadriel's Mirror.

"There's not supposed to be a different scene here!" Anagorn said, confused

And then the girls were back in their canoes.

"We're in the Mirror for the Uruk-Hai shots!" Katholas cried.

And then they were all back in the Mirror.

And then they were in the canoes.

And then they were in the Mirror.

Canoes.

Mirror.

Canoes.

Mirror.

The girls completely lost track of where they were in the scene.  All they could do was fight for control of their raging stomachs as their location changed with nauseating frequency.

Argonath – or, at least, about three seconds' worth of the Argonath.

Mirror.

Canoes.

Mirror.

Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes-Mirror-Canoes…

And then, with a jolt that brought all three girls firmly back to Middle Aerth, the canoes slid onto the rocky shore.  A Ranger, an elf, and a dwarf, all of whom felt far more like very sick little girls, stumbled out of their boats.

"That's it!  Next time, you drive," Anagorn insisted, pointing to the nearest person, who happened to be Sam.

Sam ignored her.

Camli sang softly, "I remember there was mist…swirling mist…upon a vast glassy……river…"  With that, the dwarf-girl collapsed to the ground.

It was probably just as well that the three girls were incoherent – it meant that none of them had time to get frightened about the test of their mettle that was soon to come – the great battle with the Uruk-Hai at Amon Hen.

_Mizalaye's Infamous and Irritating Disclaimer__: I don't own Newsies.  Disney owns Newsies (and Jack "Cowboy" Kelly, and the song "The World Will Know," which is what that line is from.)  The Black Knife is from the fic "Crippled Prize" by Mizalaye.  *Shameless plug for my own fanfic…I know…*  Does anybody actually read these disclaimers?  Probably not…oh, well…Hershey owns the Hershey bar.  The line "That's it!  Next time, you drive" is from Disney's "The Three Musketeers."  I don't own that, either.  The song about the mist of from Andrew Lloyd Weber's "Phantom of the Opera," which (amazingly enough) I don't own, either!  Oh, and, in case you were wondering, the movies The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers are owned by New Line Cinema, as are Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, the hobbits, Boromir, Faramir, Galadriel, Celeborn, etc.  I still don't own any of 'em…I just have fun messing with them!  Please, don't sue me, anybody in the (very long) above list!  Thanks!_

_Yay for reviewers!  I love reviews!  If you like this randomness, please review!  Thank you!!!_

_Figure – Thank you for reviewing…I can't stick too much reviewer randomness in, because I have too much that I made up myself.  Sorry.  I do hope you enjoyed this chapter, though!_

_Lady Eowyn – Thanks for reviewing.  I would have done something to Galadriel, but she had to be normal, since she was the one who reassembled (well, sorta) the movie in the first place.  I hope you enjoyed this randomness!  (And yay for Po-ta-toes!)_

_SapphireRose – I'm glad you liked it!  Thanks for the review (and the assistance!)  I hope you enjoyed your latest dose of randomness._

_ElfWarrior – Don't worry…the Mary-Sue-Balrog is gone for good.  And I am working on a sequel involving TTT, but I haven't gotten a final idea nailed down yet, so it will be a while in the making.  Thanks for reviewing!_

_lil' odd me – Thank you for reviewing.  I'm glad you enjoyed the Mary-Sue-Balrog.  It was a last-minute inspiration, but quite fun to write and (judging from the feedback I've gotten) fun to read, too!  I hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much._

_shmoo2931 – Unfortunately, I'm nearing the end of the movie, so I have to stop writing soon…but I am working on a sequel using Two Towers…eventually.  Sorry, I don't have access to whatever the popcorn was spiked with.  Thanks for the review!_

_The Mouth of Sauron – I'm glad you liked it so much!  I understand…grammatical errors are one of my (many) pet peeves.  Thank you for the review!_


	11. How to Kill Off an Army of Urukhai Using...

**The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware**

**by Mizalaye**

_Note__: Once again, I must ask your forgiveness for the length of time it has taken me to update this story.  A combination of writer's block and the insanity of my life have conspired to prevent me from getting much writing done lately.  Forgive me._

**Chapter Eleven: How to Kill Off an Army of Uruk-hai Using Ordinary Objects**

"Who spiked the popcorn?" Camli muttered as the drum-beats in her head faded away into a dull ache.

"Camli, we've been through this," Anagorn muttered as she slowly sat up, massaging her temples.

Katholas remained flat on the floor of the Mirror, groaning.  "We're gonna die."

Surprised to hear such a pessimistic comment from the usually cheerful elf-girl, Anagorn asked, "Why do you say that?"

Katholas glanced over at the TV screen.  "Because we're about a minute away from Amon Hen.  And all we have are these stupid backpacks!  Let's face it – we'll never make it home."

Camli leapt to her feet and stalked over to her friend.  "Kat," she snapped, purposefully using the other girl's nickname, "You talked me into doing this in the first place.  You said it was our only way home."

"Actually, that was me," Anagorn commented.

Both Camli and Katholas shot her looks that clearly read, "Shut up."

Anagorn vanished and reappeared on the TV screen, talking to Frodo.

Camli turned her attention back to Katholas.  "All through this crazy adventure, you've kept calm.  You've cheered the rest of us up by cracking jokes, you've been able to handle the other characters, no matter how messed up, and you managed to figure out how to down the cave troll.  All through this movie, you haven't given up.  I'm not about to let you start now!"

Katholas gave Camli a hard look.  "Do you really think we can survive?"  Clearly, she was expecting the so-far cynical girl to reply with a no.

"I don't know," Camli replied honestly.  "But I do know that Galadriel's Backpacks have gotten us this far.  I think we can trust them a bit further."

After a long moment, Katholas grinned crookedly.  Springing to her feet, she said, "Let's hunt some Uruk-Hai!"

Camli smiled back, but her smile was rather weak.  "This had better work," she muttered under her breath.

Both girls' hands slid back to their Enchanted Backpack as – yet again – the scene changed, dumping them into the middle of Amon Hen.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

"Welcome to the party!" Anagorn called as Katholas and Camli ran into the scene.

Then, all sense of time left the three as they grabbed objects and improvised the best they could.

Anagorn already had out an unloaded carbine, which she was using as a club on the attacking Uruk-hai.  A moment later, however, one of the Uruks got it away from her, so she reached into the green Backpack again.  This time, she pulled out a police whistle.  Putting it to her lips, she blew as hard as she could.  The resulting squeal earned her the attention of every Uruk within earshot.  Anagorn yelled the first thing that popped into her mind.

"Cheeze it!  It's da bulls!"

A large group of Uruk-hai whirled and ran away.

Meanwhile, Katholas had whipped out a distinctive white bottle.  "Oh, sure, NOW I get the painkillers!" she said.  After spending a few precious moments wrenching the childproof cap off the bottle, she began flinging the pills at the oncoming Uruks.  One by one, the minions of Saruman swallowed the aspirin and began falling over, out cold.

Katholas shrugged.  "I really don't want to know why that works."

By her side, Camli pulled out a roll of duct tape.  "I never get things when I want them," she muttered.  It was a matter of moments, however, before she had duct taped two Uruks to a tree, strapped another's hands behind his back, and taped the sword of a third to his forearm – with the point toward his body.

Anagorn pulled out four old-fashioned white fans.  "Uhm…here!" Acting without thought, she tossed the fans to four oncoming Uruks.  Music drifted down to her ears as the Uruk-hai began dancing in perfect unison, fans fluttering.

"Ok…that's damaging," Anagorn commented softly, turning away from the sight.

Katholas took a stand in a small clearing and began systematically flinging thumbtacks at her attackers in true elven style.  Most of her tacks were on target, and the Uruks fell after a single hit.

Camli was also wreaking havoc among the Uruks, now with a bullwhip, since she had run out of duct tape.  A single cut along her cheekbone was her sole injury so far, and she had given it to herself with a badly-aimed crack of the whip.

A moment later, however, Camli's bullwhip was wrenched from her hands and Katholas ran out of thumbtacks.  Katholas' next foray into the Backpack revealed a black Holocaust cloak.

In the moment's breathing space they were allowed, the same plan emerged in both minds.  It solidified when Camli pulled out a lighter.

Katholas threw the cloak on, transforming herself into a wraith-like figure.  "I am the Dwead Piwate Woberts," she intoned, deepening her voice.  Of course, she still sounded absolutely nothing like Fezzik…but there was no helping that.  "There will be no survivors…"  Then, turning her head slightly, she muttered, "Light me."

Obediently, Camli held the lighter's flame up to the edge of the cloak.  Now wreathed in flame, Katholas started forward again.  "The Dwead Piwate Woberts is here for your souls…"

Apparently terrified by the flaming specter, the Uruk-hai turned and fled for their lives.  Katholas quickly tossed the burning cloak aside.

"Nice job, Dread Pirate Katholas," Camli congratulated her.

"Thanks."

Suddenly, a near-deafening noise rent the air.

It took Katholas a moment to place the noise.  As soon as she realized what it was, she rolled her eyes in disgust.  "The air horn of Gondor!"

Anagorn groaned. "Boromir!"  Reaching once more into the Backpack, she retrieved a Frosty.  With a shrug, she dumped it over the nearest Uruk's head, giving him a nasty case of brain freeze.

Camli pulled out a cell phone.  It was ringing to the tune of "Yankee Doodle."  Thinking quickly, she answered it.  "Hello?"  Turning to the oncoming mass of enemies, she called, "Mr. Uruk-hai?  You have a phone call."  Then, she tossed the phone towards them – and ran.  Predictably enough, the Uruk-hai began fighting over the phone.  Within moments, all of them had killed each other off, except for one, who answered the phone and wandered away, involved in deep discussion with whoever was on the other end.

Katholas whipped out a rubber chicken.  "I knew one of those had to be in here somewhere."  Using the chicken to replace the elven knives which were strapped to Legolas' back, she slapped three Uruk-hai upside the head.  All three collapsed senseless to the ground.

Anagorn suddenly found herself charging toward Lurtz.  Without enough time to get anything out of her Enchanted Backpack, she did the next-best thing.  She tackled the chief Uruk-hai.  Lurtz fell to the ground, but regained his feet moments later and charged after the girl who had attacked him.  The fight was very one-sided as Lurtz hacked away with his massive sword while Anagorn dodged as fast as she could.

However, Anagorn was exhausted, her head still pounded from the abuse it had sustained earlier, and she was simply no match for an armed Uruk-hai at any time.  A badly-placed tree root caught her behind the ankles, and she tumbled to the ground.  Looking up, she saw Lurtz draw back his blade, aiming for her neck.  With a flash of clarity, Anagorn realized she was about to die there in Middle Aerth.

Suddenly, a voice rang through the air.

"Oh, Lurtz!"

Both Lurtz and Anagorn looked up and saw Gerard from The Three Musketeers waving cheerily.  "Don't lose your head!" he called.

With the fury-filled roar of a true Uruk-hai, Lurtz halted the blade's descent, hefted it up over his head, and charged the little man who had taunted him.  Gerard screamed and dashed away.

Anagorn struggled to her feet and ran to where Boromir stood.  Boromir cocked his head slightly, as if not understanding what was going on.  "Oh.  Ok.  I'm dead."

With that, the Man of Gondor fell over, stone dead.

Anagorn knelt by his side, but it was too late.  Figuring he couldn't hear her anyway, she skipped to the end of her speech.  "Be at peace, Son of Gondor, knowing that when you awaken, it will be to a restored movie in which you possess more than three brain cells."

Katholas and Camli ran onto the scene, breathing hard.  Neither spoke.  They were far too glad to see their friend alive and in one piece to say a word.

And then they stood on the bank of the Anduin, but none of them bothered with the actual lines.

"We did it," Katholas whispered.

"We survived Amon Hen," Camli said, a grin of pure relief creasing her face.

"We survived the movie," Anagorn replied with a matching grin.

"And now it will all go back to the way it was," Camli said.

The smile faded from Katholas' face.  "Not necessarily."

"Now what?" Anagorn asked.

Katholas looked off into the distance.  "We still have not found our enemy."

Three hearts sank as the three girls found themselves back in Galadriel's Mirror.  Across from them stood a figure, cloaked like a Ringwraith.

Music reached their ears – _"Here comes the Man in Black…"_

Three hands flew to Backpacks…and fear pierced three hearts as all of the girls felt cold fabric at the bottom of their packs.

The Enchanted Backpacks had been emptied at last.

The Man in Black cackled gleefully.

_Sheesh!  These disclaimers are getting longer and longer every chapter!__: The carbine is from Les Miz; the police whistle idea is sorta from Newsies; the aspirin and duct tape are mine; the fans are from the ballet of The King & I; the thumbtacks are mine; the bullwhip is from the Indiana Jones trilogy (kudos to those who figured that out from the "hitting oneself across the face with a bullwhip" comment); the Holocaust cloak and Dwead Piwate Woberts are from The Princess Bride; the Air Horn of Gondor is mine; the Frosty belongs to Wendy's fast food restaurant; the cell phone and rubber chicken are mine; Gerard and The Three Musketeers belong to Disney; the theme music from Men in Black is from…well…Men in Black.  Anything that does not belong to me is stolen without permission – I do not claim possession of it.  Anything that does belong to me is mine…so nobody else had better steal it._

_Even More Notes__: We're almost done!  Only one more chapter (and an epilogue) to go!  Does anybody want to hazard a guess as to the identity of the "Man in Black"?  If you're enjoying this, please review!  If you hate it, review anyways! =o)  Thank you to my reviewers!_

_Mellum – Yes, we do exist…welcome to the club!  Of course you get a review note…I write one for everybody who reviews (or, at least, I try to).  Thank you for reviewing…and thank you for missing sleep to read!_

_Miranda – Thank you for reviewing.  I'm glad you're enjoying it!_

_lil' odd me – Yeah…I'm sure it is a VERY odd feeling.  Thank you for the review…I hope you liked this chapter, too_

_Mendy  - Actually, I don't know where I got the idea to put the girls in the Mirror.  It just popped into my head while I was brainstorming for this story…and I liked it.  Thank you for your encouraging review!_

_Lady Eowyn – Thank you for the review.  I hope you enjoyed the twisting of Amon Hen._

_ElfWarrior – I'm glad my shameless advertising actually worked!  I'm glad you're enjoying it.  I hope you liked this chapter just as well._

_Noel – I'm glad you enjoyed that.  I very much enjoyed writing it.  Thanks for the review!_

_Alia – Thank you for the review.  I'm afraid the sequel is still very much in the works and will probably be a while.  I hope you enjoyed this chapter!_

_Figure – Thank you for the *ahem* interesting review…I'm glad you're enjoying this!_


	12. The Man in Black

**The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware**

**by Mizalaye**

_Notes__: The rating on this story has gone up from "G" to "PG" due to some very mild violence in this chapter.  The rating change is mostly to be on the safe side…but I just wanted to let you know that._

**Chapter Twelve: The Man In Black**

As one, the three girls dropped their Enchanted Backpacks to the glowing marble floor.

"Who are you?" Katholas asked, stalling for time as she desperately tried to think of a way out of this.

The man in black cackled coldly.  "Are you certain you want to know?"

"Actually, no," Camli muttered under her breath.

Anagorn elbowed the dwarf-girl in the ribs.  "Tell us who you are."

"Or what?" the man in black asked condescendingly.

With a distinctive noise that sounded as if it belonged to a full-length sword, Anagorn's butter knife rang from its sheath.  A flush tinged the girl's cheeks as she realized how pathetic she must look, threatening a man with a butter knife.

Almost immediately, Katholas and Camli stepped forward to flank their friend.  Darkrím and Exaria flashed in the light from the Mirror as their wielders drew them.

The man in black laughed again, coldly this time.  "You wish to know who you face?  Very well."  Dramatically, the man pushed the hood back from his face.

The girls spoke with one voice yet again.  "Tolkien?"

"NO!" the man cried.  "Everybody says that!  They all know him, but nobody knows me.  Nobody cares about me.  Just because he wrote some stupid book about a mystical world, he became famous and loved and they made movies about his book.  But nobody cared about me."  He seemed on the verge of frustrated tears.

"Who are you?" Camli asked again, now very curious.

The man in black drew himself up to his full height.  "I am R. R. J. Tolkeen, Tolkien's evil twin!"

Cheezy bad-guy music played.

"Just what the world needs," Camli muttered.  "Another Mini-Balrog."

"Of course, he's an actual person, not a typo.  I don't know if that would qualify as creating a Mini-Balrog or not, since they're created by misspellings…" Katholas mused.

"True, but still…"

While elf and dwarf debated, Tolkeen continued to rant.  "After Peter Jackson decided to make the movie of my good twin's book, I knew I had to do something.  So, I bided my time and let them create their precious movie; then I made my move.  It's no good to them now that I've twisted it beyond recognition.  Now his creation has become my creation – Middle Aerth."

Suddenly, Tolkeen whirled on the three girls.  "And everything was going perfectly until you three had to stick your noses in where they aren't wanted.  I'm just going to have to take you back out of the picture." 

"You're too late!" Anagorn cried.  "We finished the movie.  It's all coming back together now."

"Wrong!" Tolkeen cried.  "You may have finished the movie and let it run its course, but you've created a new movie – a movie that's all mine!"

"Oh, no…" Camli groaned, having finally finished her debate with Katholas over the mini-Balrogs.

"Not if we can destroy you."  Anagorn's voice was hard and her eyes flashed with anger.

"You don't have a chance," Tolkeen retorted.  "Your precious Backpacks are empty.  The three of you have never been in anything more serious than a catfight.  I'm going to squash you like bugs."

"Gee, that's original," Katholas taunted.

"You mock me?"  Tolkeen seemed genuinely shocked.

"Yep," Katholas replied, outwardly calm.

With a growl, Tolkeen reached into his robe and drew a massive blade from a hidden scabbard.

"The sword of the Witch-King!" Camli breathed in sudden terror.

"You've messed up my plans for the first – and last – time!"  Tolkeen whipped the great sword over his head and charged the trio.

Instantly, the reflexes that had kept the girls alive through every previous fight scene kicked in, and they sprang apart.  Communicating as only good friends can through only eye contact and near-invisible body signals, the teenaged warriors set up their attack.

Tolkeen was rather annoyed when the three girls moved to flank him, forming a triangle around him.  He could only keep two in his sight at once, leaving the third free to attack.

Reason and common sense fled.  All memory of why they did what they did fled.  The slight shreds of sanity that still remained after the past few hours fled.   Most importantly of all, fear fled.  All that remained was instinct – instinct that none of the girls had possessed before that moment – and a determination to save the movie they loved.

Anagorn's hands somehow remained steady as she clutched Lisran's hilt and blocked swing after swing of the Witch-King's great sword.  Despite the significantly shorter reach of the butter knife, she managed to slip through Tolkeen's guard and slid the blade along his jaw.

Katholas would have sworn under oath that Anagorn no longer held Lisran, but the great sword Andúril in her hands.  The elf-girl could not pause in her own efforts to look straight at her friend, but she knew Andúril's blade when she saw it, even out of the corner of her eye, and she saw it slice across Tolkeen's jaw, leaving a thin cut.  As for herself, she felt pitiful defending herself with a spoon, but was determined not to back down.  And so she swung Darkrím as fast and as hard as she could, rejoicing inwardly when she scored a slight hit on the man in black's shoulder.

Camli could not believe what she was seeing in her peripheral vision.  Though she couldn't turn to look fully at Katholas, what she saw from the corner of her eye told her that a long elven knife twirled and twisted in Katholas' hand.  The dwarf-girl had too much else to focus on to give Katholas' weapon much thought, however.  She was far too busy slicing with Exaria and attempting to ignore the fact that she was fighting with a fork.  Still, the fork was holding up well – she had deflected a full swing from the Witch-King's sword across its length and the fork had not even been scratched.

Anagorn blinked as, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Camli catch Tolkeen's sword across the top of what appeared to be a full-length, double bladed axe such as the one Gimli carried.  _Impossible_, she told herself.  But she was too occupied with blocking to give much attention to the other two, and would have forgotten about the weapon were it not for the silver flashes in the corners of both eyes that were far too long to be silverware.

And then it happened.  Somehow, Camli got Exaria behind Tolkeen's legs just as Anagorn's Lisran blocked a blow and sent the man a pace backwards.  As he tripped, Katholas hooked Darkrím around his blade and sent it flying across the Mirror.

Tolkeen hit the ground hard and looked up to see three sharp blades at his throat.

"Restore the movie or else," Anagorn commanded.

With the weapons hovering just above his pulse, Tolkeen had little choice.  "You'll have to let me up," he said sullenly.

The girls stepped back and allowed him to gain his feet, but kept their silverware ready.

With a sigh, Tolkeen reached inside his robe and pulled out a CD.  Placing it on the ground, he said, "Stand back."

The girls stepped back a pace, still ready for anything.

With a _whoosh_, a whirlwind rose from the center of the CD.  With a rush, it filled the entire Mirror and shot out beyond what the girls could see.  What they could see, however, was the figure of Tolkeen snatching up the sword of the Witch-King and riding his whirlwind up and out of the Mirror.

Katholas could just make out his shouted words – "This isn't over yet!"

And then blackness crashed over all three minds and the three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware collapsed to the floor, unconscious.

_Notes:__ All disclaimers and notes to reviewers can be found at the end of the next chapter, so keep reading!_


	13. There's No Place Like Home

**The Three Wielders of the Enchanted Silverware**

**by Mizalaye**

_Note__: This is it, everybody!  Thanks for sticking with me!_

**Chapter Thirteen: There's No Place Like Home**

"Ow."

"I'll agree with that.  Ow."

"Kat?"

"Yeah, Cam?"

"Stuff it."

"Make me."

Anagorn hauled herself into a sitting position.  "Both of you stuff it.  Where are we?"

Once again, music floated to the ears of the three girls.

"_May it be an evening star  
Shines down upon you  
May it be when darkness falls  
Your heart will be true…"_

Katholas looked up and, in the blackness, saw the words, "Directed by Peter Jackson."  "We're back," she whispered.  Then, as a burst of joyful energy struck her, she leapt to her feet.  "We're back in the movie theatre!  We did it!"

Camli was more cautious.  "Did we?"  She watched the screen for a moment as the credits rolled.  "Based on the book by J. R. R. Tolkien," she read aloud.  Then a grin lit her face.  "Ok, now I'll say we did it; the movie's back to normal!"

The girls grinned madly as they finally – after three hours – began to relax.

Suddenly Anagorn – now merely Anne –felt something dangling from her belt.  "Girls…" she whispered.  "Look."  Reverently, she drew Lisran the butter knife from its sheath.  "The silverware came back with us."

Kathryn and Cammy grinned and drew Darkrím the spoon and Exaria the fork from their sheaths, holding the silverware up and watching the dim theatre lights glitter across the silver.

"How the heck are we going to explain these to other people?" Cammy asked.

Kathryn grinned.  "We're not.  But that's fine…I'm just glad we got to keep them.  I'd gotten rather attached to this spoon."

"I couldn't believe it when I saw you with Legolas' knife during that fight," Anne said.  "Did you feel the spoon growing at all?"

Kathryn seemed confused.  "I never had Legolas' knife.  I had Darkrím here the whole time.  It was you and Cammy who changed weapons."

"What are you talking about?" Cammy asked.  "I was fighting with my fork."

"And I certainly never changed weapons," Anne added.

"You were swinging Andúril for at least part of the time," Cammy informed Anne.

"No, I…" Anne trailed off.  "Of course!  Do you remember what Galadriel said about the silverware?"

"That armies would fall at their touch," Kathryn whispered in awe.

"Wow."

The three girls stood still for a moment, staring at the innocent-looking silverware in their hands.

"Let's get out of here," Anne said finally, realizing that her brain was refusing to even consider the problem.  "I'm hungry."

"Me, too," Cammy added.  "But…no popcorn, all right?"

The other two laughed.  "No popcorn," they both agreed.

Grinning but exhausted, the three girls strode out of the movie theatre that had launched the biggest adventure of their lives.

And so they did not know that, in the now-empty theatre, a chilling laugh swept through the air.  And, in true old-school movie style, words appeared on the screen.

**_"The End…?"_**

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_The Final Batch of Author's Notes for This Story__: (Hold the applause, please.)  First, the disclaimers – R. R. J Tolkeen belongs to me.  Mini-Balrogs were invented by and belong to (well, mostly belong to) Miss Cam – they are not mine and I am using them here with full permission from Miss Cam (So, Minions of Miss Cam, this is legal!  Please don't flame me! =o) ) "May it Be" by Enya belongs to Enya and, probably the LotR people.  Whoever it belongs to, it isn't mine and is quoted here without permission.  Lisran the butter knife, Darkrím the spoon, and Exaria the fork belong to me – don't steal them please!_

_To All My Reviewers:__ THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!  This story almost died due to lack of inspiration a long time ago.  It was only when people began reviewing again that I got new inspiration and came back to it.  I thank you all many times over and I am glad you've enjoyed it! (P. S. – Did anybody figure out the "Man in Black" before he took the hood off?  Just curious…)_

_ElfWarrior – Thank you for your faithful reviewing throughout this fic…I'm glad you enjoyed Amon Hen and "how they really won" ;)_

_Figure – Thank you for the review…sorry, but I already wrote the part with Boromir.  I hope you enjoyed the ending of this fic!_

_The Mouth of Sauron – Thank you so much for the flattering review – I'm very glad you've enjoyed this so much!  What did you think of the end?_

_Lady Eowyn – I'm glad you liked so much of the Amon Hen chapter and that somebody actually got the bullwhip comment.   Right now, I'm planning on doing a TTT sequel…but it depends on whether or not I can hammer out a solid idea for it.  Hopefully, I will get it done.  (And hopefully it'll be done BEFORE RotK comes out…) Anyways, thank you for all the reviews!_

_SapphireRose – I'm glad you enjoyed it (except for the Uruk's dancing, of course…) I'm glad the natives will cheer!  Thanks for reviewing (even if it was late…) and I hope you enjoyed the ending!_


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